The anti crapitalist

2009-04-01T13:14:00.000-07:00

Londons burning ......

Its all kicking off 'dahn sath' good luck to those who think wrecking a few Aston Martins owned by a bunch of morally bankrupt wankers is the key to the future ......... I wish I was with you.

2008-09-25T09:03:00.001-07:00

Fucked Iraq, fucked the economy, fucked the world's banking system

What are you going to do for a fucking encore?

..... start a nuclear war?

The morally bankrupt and the criminally inept have dragged us into the gutter of history

2008-06-29T11:18:00.000-07:00

Jay-Z at Glastonbury

Opened singing along to a shit CD of "Wonderwall"

Proceeded to badly rap over AC/ DCs "Back in Black"

Followed up with a shit mix of U2s "Sunday Bloody Sunday" and Whitesnakes "Ain't no love in the heart of the City"

What a fucking ABORTION of a set.

Plus he looks like a black Forrest fucking Gump.

Are today's kids so fucking stupid that they pay for this shit and don't even realise when someone is taking the piss out of them?

Society is doomed.

Bring on the financial meltdown.

As the Sex Pistols once said

"Ever had the feeling you've been cheated"

No, your too goddam fucking stupid ..............

2008-06-09T11:17:00.000-07:00

Bemused.com

I'm not confused - JUST FUCK OFF

The thing they don't tell you about confused.com!

Ever seen their adverts on the telly about how easy it is to use this wonderful service to get an insurance quote? You just sit back and the website takes all the hassle out of it for you. They say.

Me goes online being a lazy arse because my car insurance is up and maybe I could get it cheaper. Stick stuff into the website, press button, "bing" up pops a list of quotes. Me has a quick look and prints it off. That should be the extent of the effort involved. Not with bemused.com!

Call 1 - 1 hour after getting a list of the best quotes

"Hi may names Martin Wankerface from Arsewipe insurance. I'm ringing to see if you want to go ahead"

Me. "I'm at work it was only an hour ago. I haven't read the information yet"

Wankerface "Well ours was the cheapest quote"

Me "Really"

Wankerface "Yes, do you want to go ahead"

Me "No because I have not read the quote I'm busy"

Wankerface "But it was the cheapest, do you want to go ahead?"

Me "No, I'm at work it was only an hour a go and I've not read the information"

Wankerface "It was £xxx. Is that a better quote than your current insurer?

Me "I'm at work I have no idea whether its cheaper or more expensive"

Wankerface "Why?"

Me "Because I don't know what I'm already paying because my policy is at home. Did I mention that I'm at work THREE FUCKING TIMES"

Wankerface "Well can I ring you back in an hour?"

Me "No"

Wankerface "Why not"

Me "BECAUSE I'LL STILL BE AT FUCKING WORK"

Wankerface "Two hours then?"

Click ... phone goes down

Call 2 - two hours later

Wankerface "Hi its Martin Wankerface again. I'm ringing about the cheapest quote we gave you on bemused.com".

Me "Yes. I've just got home. I haven't had time to read it yet"

Wankerface "But it was the cheapest quote. Do you want to go ahead"

Me "No because I've been home 5 minutes and I have not had time to read it yet"

Wankerface "Well when do you think you'll have read it"

Me "I'VE NO FUCKING IDEA"

Wankerface "Well can I ring back tomorrow"

Me "I might not have read it by then"

Wankerface "Well what if I ring you tomorrow lunchtime"

Me "I'll be at work I'll be busy"

Wankerface "Well what about 3:00pm?"

Me "Obviously I'll still be at work then. I'll be busy"

Wankerface "Well what about 6pm tomorrow then?"

Me "I'll have just got home from work. I might not have read the quote"

Wankerface "Well I'll ring you and see at 6pm"

Me "BUT I ONLY PUNCHED MY DETAILS INTO A FUCKING WEBSITE. I DON'T WANT TO SPEAK TO A REAL PERSON. I'VE NOT READ THE FRIGGING QUOTE"

Click ... phone goes down

Call 3 - same time next day

Wankerface"Hi this is Martin Wankerface from Arsewipe Insurance, have you read the quote we gave you yesterday?"

Me "Yes"

Wankerface "Well what do you think"

Me "Its ok but its only £5 less than I'm paying now and I can't be arsed with the hassle of changing for a fiver"

Wankerface "But its the cheapest quote"

Me "Yes, by a fiver and I can't be arsed moving to save a fiver"

Wankerface "But you wanted the cheapest quote"

Me "Yes, but its only a fiver so I'm not that bothered"

Wankerface "But Arsewipe Insurance are the cheapest and best in the UK"

Me "That may be but I'm not arguing over a fiver it ain't worth the hassle"

Wankerface"But ...."

Me "JESUS FUCKING CHRIST ... FUCK OFF ... STICK YOUR FUCKING £5 UP YOUR FUCKING ARSE ... FUCK YOU ... FUCK YOUR COMPANY ... FUCK THE HORSE YOU RODE INTO TOWN ON ... JUST FUCK RIGHT OFF YOU FUCKING CUNT"

2008-02-14T12:09:00.000-08:00

2012 and all that shite

Is it me or does the London 2012 logo look like a graphic representation of a cat lifting its tail to have a shit?

2008-01-19T12:30:00.000-08:00

The One and Only biggest pile of shite on TV

Jesus I'm fucking angry. Not blogged for ages and now confined to the spare room because if I have to watch that fucking shite fucking lookalike fucking "talent" fucking show on TV tonight for more than 10 seconds I'm going to spontaneously combust.

What the fuck is it about?

A bunch of losers that don't 1) sound or 2) look like their so-called look-alike take part in a fucking karaoke contest in front of an unamusing puff to win a prize.

Jesus fucking wept is this what civilisation has been reduced to?

Did we go through two world wars to end up with this sort of fucking shite served up as fucking entertainment? Fuck me! I think I'm going to fucking hang myself.

Whoever commissioned this needs to be buggered senseless by a team of eastern european gangmasters, drowned in a bath of shit, roasted over a hot spit, spat upon, hung, drawn and quartered, have forks forceably stuck into his eyeballs and then fired into space.

Jesus fucking Christ!

The world has gone totally fucking mad.

2007-12-03T16:01:00.000-08:00

Christmas presents......

I've decided what I'm getting all my family and friends this year. I've just bought a shed load of teddies and I'm getting some little white T-shirts made up with "Mohammad" printed on the front.

Yes every fucker I know is getting a teddy called Mohammad this Christmas. I'm putting one in my window, another on the rear shelf of the car, and I'll even stick one at the top of the Christmas tree with a pine tree hanging out of his ring.

Then I think for New Year I'll get a few T-shirts made up with "Salman Rushdie for Pope" on them and we'll pop round to see our fundamentalist neighbours.

Fuck the lot of them the stupid, self-rightious, Islamic fuckwits.

Who the fuck even wants to go to a fucking shitehole like Sudan anyway. Its the arsehole of the fucking universe full of some of the dumbest people on the fucking planet.

2007-09-29T10:47:00.000-07:00

Boo hoo for Ian Cuntley

So celebrity child murderer Ian Cuntley has failed to kill himself for a third time

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/main.jhtml?xml=/news/2007/09/29/nhuntley129.xml

Its a shame that this piece of shit has actually had more success killing other people than he has killing himself. Oh the irony ... the killer that's too fucking useless to kill himself. He must be the joke of his Wing; "That Huntley's lost his touch, he can't even kill his fucking self. Fucking ponce".

Its interesting that this attempt happens in the same week that that other murdering piece of human detritius Ian Brady petitions the Courts to allow him to starve himself to death. Maybe Cuntley saw what is happening to Brady as his future - 69 years old, still inside and being force-feed twice a day to stop him from starving himself to death. It don't look too good Ian does it? You fucking scumbag.

2007-09-10T13:46:00.000-07:00

Stupid bitch

I fell off my chair reading about Naomi Campbell's Fashion Show to help the victims of the deadly floods in Britain earlier this year.

http://uk.news.yahoo.com/afp/20070910/ten-lifestyle-fashion-9700fcb_1.html

Yes. Those "deadly" floods that killed all of 7 people in Britain ages ago. Tragic though that is how fucking desparate are these fucking media whores to attach their fucking stupid faces to made up "needy" causes.

You can almost read her mind. We've failed to capitalise on the Asian Tsunami Appeal, and we missed Hurricane Katrina so fucking months after the damage we'll try to use the UK floods to sell a load of old shite to stupid media dicks because it's a charity.

You're fucking deluded you silly, silly bitch.

Quote:-

"As a British model, in my home town in London, I am honoured to be able to put on and be involved in this kind of show."

Excuse me whilst I vomit you silly cow.

2007-08-29T15:36:00.000-07:00

Fuck me Bush has me scared ....

I read with interest the [increasingly] incoherent ramblings of George W Bush in the English papers today. I think his exact words were to accuse the Iranian regime of threatening to place the Middle East under the shadow of "a nuclear holocaust" and that he had authorised US military commanders in Iraq to "confront Tehran's murderous activities".

I fucking give up now.

Do people in the USA actually buy this bullshit?

I'm scared. I'm really fucking scared that this fucking idiot is going to press some great big red fucking button because he believes that God is telling him that he has to do it, and then we'll all be watching the mushroom clouds sweep across the atmosphere.

Christ, its getting too much.

You launch a war for the wrong reasons, you don't do too well at it, you have fewer soldiers and fewer resources, your country hate you, your key advisors leave, you have no support in government .... so you go to the next county along and try to do the whole damn thing again ... why? Is there something I am genuinely missing or is this guy just a grade "A" FUCKWITT?

I've spent the last week reading the book of Revelations ... interesting reading about the fall of Babylon (i. e, Al Hillah, Central Iraq). Wish I hadn't. Going to get pissed now before its too late.

2007-08-18T13:50:00.000-07:00

Rip off Britain .. 2

For the first time in about 10 years we’ve just returned from a good old British holiday. With kids in tow any holiday gets expensive and having found it cheaper to go abroad in the past we weighed up our options for this year before giving the good old UK a try.

The options looked very much like this.

France - I like France; you can drive there, its easy to get to, its cheap, and with the major exception of Paris the French have not really caught on to this commercialisation stuff. I like this lack of commercial awareness as your not digging into your pockets every half hour to feed parking meters etc. Plus they like families, and as long as you give the toilets a miss (how can such a so-called sophisticated race of people think shitting through a plank of wood into a hole in the ground is normal?) it’s a great country.

The US - well the new airport security measures are now laughable and the Presidents a total fucking a dick but the Dollar is dirt cheap and you can have a holiday at half the cost of virtually anywhere else. Plus you can be guaranteed the sun in Florida (although you might get shot, mugged, or eaten by crocs) but you won‘t be able to purchase any food as nobody in the entire State that works in a shop or restaurant speaks English, and you‘ll have to take the kids to that evil empire called Disney.

Spain - the Costa’s make it a fucking arsehole of a country that’s full of all the English people you went on holiday to avoid.

Turkey - largely like spending two weeks living in a hot sweaty sock and (with a few notable exceptions) generally in my experience a shithole of the highest order

… you get the general picture. Options were narrowing.

This led to the “fuck it why don’t we just drive down to the English Riviera” decision. Its cheap, we can take the car, and the weather can’t be any worse than it is at home. So there you go. A good decision made; not counting on the fact that Britain is not really Britain any more - its some third world network of useless motorways, speed cameras, and shit service stations that's home to a million and one different ways of skinning your finances alive before you even realise.

Well to be fair the weather was great but when I came back and counted up the pennies I sat down to write a letter to the English Tourist Board explaining the reasons why I thought that nobody in their right mind would take two children on a two week holiday in the UK. It went something like this:-

Britain’s road system is completely fucked.

It took 12 hours to drive to Devon from the North West through some of the fucking worse tailbacks I have ever experienced. At one point it took over an hour and a half to drive 10 miles with a sign suggesting that this sort of delay was normal. Furthermore I’m convinced the M5 through Bristol is just a fucking car park and that you could actually run past the town quicker than drive.

Its just, shit, shit, shit

Even though the road network is fucked its stuffed full of fucking stupid camera’s.

Despite hardly being able to move in places we accrued one camera fine (three points, fuck you Devon and Cornwall Police). I’m guessing that most people having spent several hours in a fucking traffic jam might be tempted to drive at 6mph over the speed limit to make up some fucking time. Suddenly I’m fucking criminalized by some shit box camera for 6mph because I was over 2 hours late getting where I was going because of the fucking state of the roads.

Motorway service stations

They are all pretty bad but the Michael Wood’s service station on the M5 Gloucester was the worst “comfort” break I had ever had. On a hot day the smell of shit was overpowering thanks to dodgy sewers, the place was a filthy fucking disgrace, and the service totally non existent.

Second place was Burton Wood services on the M62 that actually had illegal immigrants living in cars in the car park. Pure class. I do love the new UK we live in.

When you get off the road you pay to park absolutely fucking everywhere

We used roughly £100 ($220) in diesel to drive 1,200 miles there and back but laughingly paid over £75 ($160) in “pay and display” parking fees in two weeks so it cost nearly as much to park as it did to get there. Every local authority in Britain’s tourist resorts should remember that we’re there putting money into your economy - you greedy, greedy fuckers. We even had to pay to park overnight on the road outside our hotel. What a crock of shit.

I hate most things American, but even there if your spending money in a town they usually don’t charge you £7 ($15) to park there for the pissing day because they want your trade. In France paid parking would cause a national strike; but were just conditioned to cough up.

Piss take prices

Some of the best rip off items of expenditure were (in order or rip-off-ness)

1. £12.50 ($27) for 4 lemonades at the Eden Project. I’ll repeat that twelve quid for 4 soft drinks. Who do they think I am Donald Fucking Trump?

2. £45 ($95) for two adults and 2 kids to enter a fucking petting zoo. A fucking petting zoo and then the miserable FUCKS made the kids pay 50p to buy food to feed their fucking animals. I hope they get foot and mouth the greedy, greedy bastards.

3. £6 ($15) for the worst fish and fucking chips I have ever eaten. There was a big sign outside that said “caught locally today” but the only thing caught locally that day was probably pubic lice from the girl behind the counter.

Disappointing “attraction’s”

The worst was the Eden Project. Looks impressive but there’s actually fuck all there and the prices inside for anything are disgusting. I recycle and take an interest in the environment and this reinforces all that is wrong with the organic / ethical movement. They deride people for not shopping ethically or organically but have the audacity to charge £3 ($7) for a glass of “organic” fucking lemonade, or £5 ($11) for some organic chocolate. That’s why they don’t shop organic because when you have kids its too fucking expensive you fucking imbeciles, and with these sort of tricks you reinforce the reasons why they don‘t you greedy bastards. Try selling affordable organic products and they’ll shift.

Plus they picked us up and took us around on diesel buses and the £4 ($9) glossy brochure telling you all about the place is not even printed on recyclable paper (strange environmental message guys?). Having driven for 4 hours to get there I have to say that I should have conserved fuel miles and not fucking gone.

It didn’t however stop thousands of sandal wearing Middle Class accountants called Nigel wondering around the place sighing "This is absolutely bloody marvellous” before buying some shitty ethic tat for fifty quid and getting back into their BMW‘s.

Service

Its sad but the UK has now fully gone down the USA route in the service industry and being served by surly Eastern European former prostitutes did not add to my holiday experience.

So there you have it, don’t come to Britain for your holiday go somewhere nice instead.

2007-08-17T12:59:00.000-07:00

Rip off Britain

Just returned from my first family holiday in a long time in "rip off Britain" and will be making some angst filled posts soon at everything that pissed me off (go abroad; nobody can even afford to go to the beach anymore in this country). However, came back to the "Dinners" saga and I'm glad that things are getting back to normal. No doubt scary at the time in the usual "It don't bother me" Dinners way.

Glad your getting through it Dinners. Just had to deal with my Dad's heart issues (value and one side bypass) and I can honestly say that the NHS is a fantastic, undervalued, service full of some of the most dedicated and professional people you would ever want to meet. You forget what we take for granted in this country. I accept its a postcode lottery sometimes, but I honestly cannot thank the NHS staff enough for what they did for my old fella ... anyway I hope Dinners feels the same.

2007-07-23T13:23:00.000-07:00

I wonder if Britain will follow suit?

I got sent an interesting link today from a friend in the US. Did you know that if you protest against the war in Iraq they can now potentially seize all your assets for "undermining efforts to promote economic reconstruction and political reform in Iraq or to provide humanitarian assistance to the Iraqi people"

http://www.whitehouse.gov/news/releases/2007/07/20070717-3.html

What's it like to live in a totalitarian society?

2007-07-21T14:08:00.000-07:00

Don't try this at home kids (it ain't worth the effort)

I felt better yesterday than I have for a long time. I was having a tough week so took Friday off . I had my pastie, bought a paper, and popped into the pub for a quick pint. About midday on my way back up the road there was a whole squadron of blokes with blue macs on wandering up and down knocking on doors.

Jehovah’s Witnesses.

Fucking weird occupation. Selling religion door to door.

I normally go by the “live and let live” philosophy but these guys looked a bit aggressive for my tastes.

Anyway I managed to quietly get back to the house and opened a nice bottle of red just waiting for them to realise how long they would have knock on my door until they assumed nobody was there. But as I heard the knocks something clicked in my head and I made a really stupid decision to open the door. Still got no idea why.

Probably fucking bored. I had all afternoon to kill and only “Neighbours” for company.

Now I’m the most agnostic person going, but I have studied religion and I can have a 20 minute discussion on most subjects with anyone but as I opened the door I realised that I had done totally the wrong thing. What a fucking idiot.

Anyway

I’d never realised how fucking aggressive these bastards are - handing out their little booklets that tell you all about what a depraved empty life your living.

I took a real affront to their basic assumption that because I wasn‘t part of their church I was, de facto, evil and would automatically go to hell when I died.

To me there is no line between this and being Osama fucking Bin Laden and his useless NHS bombers.

I fucking hate religion. There is no need for it. You can believe in anything and that‘s entirely ok by me. But don‘t fucking well try to convert me. I don‘t care. I don‘t see myself 6 months from now wearing a Topshop suit and a blue mac sitting in somebody‘s house telling them they‘re a fucking deviant.

Anyway

Once you get these people in your house they’re on your turf and they at least have to pretend to be respectful, so after a while I drew them into the front room started to take the piss. They had to take it at face value as they were in my house. I started off quoting Descartes. I tried the old “I think therefore I am” argument claiming that effectively I am my own consciousness and therefore if I think that I am my own God then that is what I am, and that maybe they should really join a sect worshiping me as my conscious mind has convinced me that this is the case.

They looked slightly uncomfortable at that.

No bite though.

Then for some reason I tried to discuss whether animals can go to heaven. Its always a good one when you deal with these sort of muppets.

“I couldn’t possibly go to your gods heaven if it meant leaving my dog behind” I said.

“What?” they said.

“Well he’s my only friend. If your god does not let my dog into heaven then I don’t want to go to heaven”

Silence (followed by smiles).

Message to everyone out there. Did you know that the Mormon Church believes that animals will be found in heaven? Neither did fucking I? What a shitter. Apparently they believe in the “happiness of man, and of beasts, and of creeping things” and now I’ve given these bastards the perfect excuse to use the whole animal heaven idea on me to try to convert me.

Fuck.

God and animals normally gets rid of any religious nutter but not these buggers. They were cleverer than that.

I had to do a quick back track. Think of something totally off limits and hopefully they’ll eventually fuck off.

Well any religion, with no exception, hates queers. There is not one queer tolerating religion out there so its always a safe bet. Christians, Jews, Muslims, Mormons … the common theme is that they all hate queers. Heaven holds no place for uphill farmers, here endeth the lesson.

“Well that’s great news” I said “but I bet your God also hates gays, and I’m gay and so is my dog”

Now this did get them off guard.

“Your dog is gay?”

“Well he’s never married” I said

“ Well" they said “The church's law of chastity forbids gay and lesbian sex“

Apparently this is like pre marital sex which is grounds for excommunication (I did listen).

Phew

“Well you wouldn’t want to sign up anyone, or his dog, who would be excommunicated straight away would you?”

“Well ….”

“Well you wouldn’t would you. You can’t go back to Mormon HQ and say that the only people you signed up today were a gay man and his gay dog could you?”

“Well …”

Christ will these people ever take the fucking hint. FUCK OFF. I’m winding you up. Just get the fuck out of my house. Have you had a sense of humour bypass with your Mormon frontal lobotomy?

With that I went back to the philosophy stuff and started quoting Voltaire about dogs and cannons and about me being a thousand times freer than my dog is, and why would any proper religion want to appeal to dogs whose consciousness is limited and therefore he can‘t go to the same heaven as me as he lacks the capacity to imagine the same heaven that I do. Worse for a gay dog. And more particularly a gay dog with a gay owner who is firmly agnostic.

It was hard work.

I think after an hour I notionally won and they started making excuses to leave. But it was a real effort though. There is virtually nothing you can do or say to to turn these people off you or get them out of your house.

Be warned.

An easy day off and a quick wind up are not possible when the Jehovah’s are in town!

Next week maybe a visit from John Travolta and the fucking scientologists.

2007-07-11T12:34:00.000-07:00

Victoria Beckham is "really, really excited" about moving to LA

http://uk.news.yahoo.com/itn/20070711/ten-curious-america-awaits-posh-ea4616c.html

So are we; now fuck off and don't ever come back.

Apparently she remains largely unknown to Americans, many of whom have seen pictures of "Posh" but most have never heard her speak.

You lucky, lucky, bastards!

2007-07-05T08:40:00.000-07:00

Fucking extremists

Right I’ve had it now. We’re all being too fucking PC about all of this car bombing / airport attacking stuff. I accept that Britain has put itself in the forefront of the war on terror by supporting Iraq, but it was clear that at the time they invaded the majority of British people didn‘t support the war - and now its even LESS. How can they bomb innocent people when its clear that most of us don’t even support our own Governments stance on what has happened? If it’s about Iraq most British people are on the side of the Muslim nations. But not when extremists want to fucking bomb us were not. You fucking cretins. Are these extremists that fucking stupid that they want to do a George W Bush and turn all that sympathy into hate?

Its what Bush did after 9/11. He took all the sympathy that the UK and the rest of the world had as a result of the terrible attacks on the World Trade Centre, and in a few years turned it into the most aggressive anti American sentiment by bombing the wrong fucking countries and
generally acting like an oil grabbing, war mongering, twat.

I cannot believe these extremists don’t see that. They must be 100% goddam fucking stupid. They don't want revenge. They want a total Islamic State. This is not about the war, its about creating racial division, sowing seeds of hatred, creating general mistrust and seeking to take control.

But its not working. To illustrate; with this last wave of UK attacks even the Muslim Council of Great Britain are coming round to the conclusion that they are the victims.

http://ccun.org/Opinion%20Editorials/2007/July/4%20o/Statement%20from%20the%20Muslim%20Council%20of%20Britain%20About%20Recent%20Events%20in%20the%20UK.htm

I quote:-

“There is no cause whatsoever that could possibly justify such barbarity“

“Those who engage in such murderous actions and those that provide support for them are the enemies of all, Muslims and non-Muslims, and they stand against our shared values in the UK”

“The police and security services have the enormous responsibility for trying to ensure the safety of all Britons. As such they deserve the fullest support and cooperation from each and every sector of our society, including all Muslims“

Well done I totally applaud the stance taken by the vast majority of decent, law abiding, hard working Muslims who live in the UK. They understand now that they cannot turn the situation around without condeming these terrorist actions and working against the extremists.

They’re now torching the businesses of innocent Pakistani’s in Scotland and the MCB can see that all this is going to start to affect most of the peaceful law abiding Muslims in the UK before long. Its wrong that they should suffer, but clearly they have now accepted that they have to find ways of disassociating themselves from all of this. Its not their fault but they will get the tail end of all of this extremism. They are in a real catch 22 situation and I feel sorry for every one of them.

To be fair most probably they left their countries to settle in the UK to get away from extremist SHITHEADS. No country is perfect but there are plenty worse than the UK and many Muslims have largely found a place where they can prosper economically, and socially, without looking over their shoulders to see whether some fucked up Imman is glowering at their wife for daring to show an ankle, or shouting at them for not being a good Muslim because their beard being too fucking short.

I'm guessing that many probably don’t want to live in the fucking STONE AGE and are respected in their relative communities for what they have brought and grown in the UK for them and their children.

The Glasgow effect:

Just to close its interesting that the last ditch, probably unplanned, attack was on Scotland. Most Scots hate the English and historically they don’t take kindly to any attempts to subjegate them. Its taken them centuries to get devolution from the UK Parliament.

Then just look at what happened. One would be bomber wrestled to the ground by a bystander, another elbowed in the face by a passerby. Then they set a few shops on fire in major Scottish Cities.

Message to extremist HQ - the Scots are a race of hard fuckers and the worst thing you ever did was take the war there as for the first time in ages it will probably give them common ground with the UK Parliament, and destroyed the balance in a nation that currently enjoys good levels of racial harmony

I worry that many will now take a leaf out of the Scot‘s book. If your preaching hate “bosh” now fuck off to hospital, and the MCB can now see the very real danger of this sort of thing escalating.

I feel very sorry for the average UK voter and for the Muslim communities in the UK none of whom have asked for all of this. That the government is out of fucking control, and stuck up the arse of George W Bush is not our fault. Its got to be easy for both communities to work together to weed out all these individuals who are not doing anyone any favours.

2007-06-29T23:17:00.000-07:00

Thank God for THICK terrorists

It was a sobering reminder yesterday that the UK is still not safe from the global war on terror and that it happened a day after the appointment of a new Prime Minister signals, unfortunately, that maybe its not just about Blair.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/uk_news/6252276.stm

However, we do seem to have been lucky this time that the terrorists were .. well .. a bit thick really. Dumping a couple of used Mercs straight off Uncle Abdul's car lot into one of the most heavily CCTV monitored parts of London hopefully means that they'll find the dozy fuckers who planned this quite quickly. They were probably mini-cabbing it in them half an hour before hand.

Thank God that these devices were both found before they could do any damage.

2007-06-18T10:46:00.000-07:00

Top, middle, or bottom?

Guess who is back in the media this week?

Must be a real pain in the arse having all these probes and nothing popping out of the other side of them.

2007-06-07T12:10:00.000-07:00

So Paris Hilton is out after a whole 3 days.

This news on the day that Amnesty International and other pressure groups petition the Bush Administration over the 39 “disappeared” who have vanished from US custody since 9/11 (two of them children aged just 7 and 9). What further proof do you need of the joke government, joke legal system, and joke values that exist in the worlds freest country.

If your some drink-driving dim rich bitch you get to serve a token sentence and get sent home after 3 days for crying.

If your some poor bastard sucked into the war on terror you just disappear never to emerge. Maybe you’re in Guantanamo, maybe you’re in any number of illegal jails around the world, maybe you’ll never to see a trial and many may never see the light of day again. This is on par with Latin American despots at their worst.

If you’re poor, black, dispossessed, unemployed you go straight to jail with no special treatment. If you're white, rich, and have a media profile you can just about do what the fuck you like. The double standards are nothing short of disgusting.

These two stories appearing on the same day should shame everyone who believes in democracy, and fairplay, and decency. What a total crock of shit.

2007-05-30T11:10:00.000-07:00

Disinfected youth

I don't usually follow the US media too much but the UK reporting of the Cindy Sheehan story really got to me today.

www.guardian.co.uk/usa/story/0,,2090192,00.html

I can't believe how one mother who lost her son in a fake war can be so used and abused by the far right milita that control the USA. One quote hit me hard:

"Casey died for a country which cares more about who will be the next American Idol than how many people will be killed in the next few months."

Ain't that the quote of the year?

The realisation that you have sacrificed someone you love so that the ignorant can go about their empty lives untouched - so that they can max out their credit cards on Chinese made shite, maintain their unfulfilled lives fuelled by cheap gasoline, and be spoon fed more drivel by a government that's both morally and fiscally bankrupt.

She knows the flipside of the American dream and she has my respect for seeing and saying things that others simply cannot see.

There are values in this life that are simply not worth defending. There is not one drop of blood that is worth less than a Big Mac, or cheap gas, or satelite TV, and yet in essence the perpetuation of this bankrupt, valueless, throw away society is all that they are fighting for.

I've never felt more negative than I feel today.

2007-05-23T08:04:00.000-07:00

A new reality TV low?

I read with amusement news of a new reality TV show staring that hideous, big-titted, orange-faced, fag-hag Jodie Marsh.

http://www.marryjodiemarsh.com/

Has she not leaned her lesson?

It seems that there are people in this world who are dim enough to want to compete for the "privilege" of marrying this clump of human detritus. The whole concept is lost on me, I mean why would anyone want to be bothered to go to the effort of competing for her attention on TV when you could probably have a go for the price of a Baccardi & coke and a bag of crisps?

Some classic quotes from the website:

.............................................

"I'm desperate to settle down with the man of my dreams" [maybe you're just fucking desperate?]

"If you think you've got what I want in a man" [a pulse and a cock?]

...............................................

Anyway if you think your man enough to get shackled to the uber-scrubber live on TV then please use the link above to apply. I fancied a go - I record my answers here for posterity.

I reckon I'll at least get an interview!

1. What do you do for a living and do you enjoy it?

I'm an Eastern European people traffiker. I specialise in smuggling prostitutes into the UK in the back of lorries. I'm a very rich and drive a Lamborghini. As I will do anything, no matter how inhumane and degrading for money, I thought that I should apply to be your future husband as we seem so perfectly matched.

2. What was your longest previous relationship and why did it finish?

I once shagged a bird for more than half an our. The relationship finished when she asked for more money and I punched her in the face. That was unusual though .. 15 minutes is normally enough for me.

3. Complete this sentence: I want my relationship with my future wife to be...

One where I no longer have to pay for sex, and where I can pursue the most unsavoury and unnatural sexual practices in the privacy of my own home.

4. Tell me about the best sex you ever had! Where & when?

The best sex I had was with you or someone who looked like you around the back of Stringfellows about 18 months ago. Do you remember? You were really mullered, and I was that high on Crystal Meth I shit myself. It was cool.

5. Is money important to you?

Yes, I need it to pay for sex.

6. What do you like about me? (I know, you haven't even met me yet!)

I like the fact that you are dim and will get your baps out at any occasion, and I also love the way that you don't know that everyone else is laughing at you when you do such stupid and degrading things. Also I feel we already know each other as I have seem your baps and minge so many times on the TV and in magazines.

7. Describe a great date you might take me on.

A bit of dogging in my car, during which I would like to take a trip down Bourneville Boulevard.

8. Do you want children?

Yes. But not yours as they will probably be quite ugly.

9. Where do you see yourself in 5 years time?

On some reality TV show where I get treated for the plethora of infectious diseases I am likely to acquire following this competition.

10, What are your 3 must do things in your life?

To indulge in high risk anal sex with a Z List celebrity, to appear on non terrestial TV, and to marry somebody with absolutely no sense of shame or irony.

11. Give 3 qualities that you think are good about you and 3 that are bad.

I am kind to dumb animals, I have a sense of humour, and I always pay upfront before I have sex. My bad qualities are my chronic drug addiction, sexual violence against women, ... oh and that murder thing that happened in Amsterdam with our last consignment.

12. Finally, why do you think you and I would make a good couple?

Because we are both as thick, shameless, and morally degraded as each other.

Postnote:

I hope those reality cameras are rolling when absolutely nobody turns up at any of the auditions! Que; weapy, angry, half dressed, orange face, bleating "Why me. I only want to be loved" at the cameras. It could be quite compelling TV!

2007-05-12T12:23:00.000-07:00

Eurovision song contest ... why?

This is a weird one to explain to people farther a field but once a year in Europe we have a shite contest that involves various people that could not even get work on a cruise ship catering for the over 80's singing "songs" to represent their respective countries.

http://www.eurovision.tv/

God knows why its continued as it was fucking rubbish in 1957 and now its gone beyond kitch, to be a kitch representation of kitch.

It makes you wonder why it all started and why it continues despite constantly plumbing the depth of the "banal" to arrive at a competition that surpasses banal.

To me its a bit like McDonalds or Coca Cola. Some shitty representation of how lovely the world would be:- how there would be no famine, or pestilence, or war if only we got off our arses and sang fucking rubbish songs to each other for no apparent reason.

Maybe I'm wrong.

Maybe the Iraq war would not have happened if that country had pitched some piss poor caberet act we could have voted for. Maybe Britain only backs Israel because secretly we feel guilty about them getting their arse kicked in Eurovision (except that year when the Trannie won) even though they are not really in Europe. Maybe we have problems with America because they've never done a Eurovision (they'd be pissed off if they didn't win every year and would start a world song contest without the world participating so they could).

McDonalds always had some shite-arsed theory that no two countries that have a McDonalds franchise ever went to war with each other. Its technically true (ignoring the fact that US businesses never take the risk of investing somewhere that isn't a client nation or any politically unstable country) and maybe, just maybe, that's the whole warped idea of Eurovision! Its stopping war and death stalking Europe.

(Sorry Bosnia, Serbia, and Montenegro instantly fucked that one)

2007-05-05T05:43:00.000-07:00

Ho fucking ho!

God its better than Christmas coming early today. I have to repeat the headline just for posterity

......................

LOS ANGELES (Reuters) - A judge sentenced a shocked and tearful Paris Hilton to 45 days in jail on Friday, ruling that the hotel heiress violated her probation for a previous traffic offense by knowingly driving without a valid license. Los Angeles Superior Court Judge Michael Sauer rejected Hilton's defense that she didn't realize her license was suspended and ordered the 26-year-old socialite to report to a county detention facility on June 5.

Hilton wept and her mother, Kathy, yelled at the prosecutor, "You're pathetic," as the packed courtroom cleared.

....................

I'm just so fucking glad that the vacuous cheerleader of the useless global shiteratti that clog our newspapers and TV screens for no good reason has finally got what was coming to her. Thought you were above the law did you, you silly talentless bitch? Maybe you thought you were just soooo famous that no judge would jail you for breaking the law?

Maybe when your forceably giving head to the ugliest bull-dyke in the California penal system you'll have time to refelect on your worthless life and wonder who is, in fact, "pathetic".

People who think they are above the law are scum, people who put the public at risk through drink driving are scum, and Paris Hilton is, well, just useless illiterate monied-for-no-good-reason scum anyway.

I'll be laughing my arse off for weeks on this one.

Oh happy day!

2007-05-02T12:34:00.000-07:00

Who gives a fuck?

OK! magazine has partially won an appeal at the House of Lords in its battle with rival Hello! over Catherine Zeta Jones's wedding photos.

Unsurprisingly I remain unmoved by the the "landslide" ruling by Lord Hoffman in the "Old man marries gold-digging sheep-shagger" celebrity story of the year.

I'm tired of the cult of celebrity and of these deluded people expecting that they can cash in on every aspect of their lives, from their fucking futile weddings, to birth of their fucking ugly children, to their numerous addictions, afflictions, pecadillos and bust ups.

If thousands of people want to act like spastics outside Top Shop to buy some Chinese made shite that Kate Moss might have seen once, in an e-mail, from her assistant, forwarded from her "designer", why should I care? I'm not stupid, I don't believe my life is empty, I don't think that people will think I'm somebody just because I paid 70 quid for some piece of rancid old tat. I don't feel inferior because I'm not living "their" life.

There has to be a reversal of this celebrity culture soon as were all so desparately fucking bored with it all. Do I really give a fuck that OK got diddled on the pictures of the wedding of these saddos? No. Do I care that "normal" people are stupid enough to buy these shite filled magazines because they think that they need to be in touch with the latest trends? No. Do I care about anything that Michael fucking Douglas and his stupid fucking Wife do? No.

Scan the internet its now getting just as low as it can possible get - Peter Andre now apparently has "Celebrity Meningitis" that's the same deadly meningitis that kills or debilitates anyone else every day of the week in this country but with an extra 25,000 fucking column inches of shite from his dumb wife telling you how fucking bad it is.

2007-04-21T12:01:00.000-07:00

Cho Seung-hui majoring in English?

And another thing on all this garbage now being released on the internet to glorify the life of that this sick, murderous, prick. I see the Times Online, against its better judgement in my opinion, published two of his "Plays" on Friday.

Is it me or is it actually possible to be mentally subnormal and yet also "majoring in English" at a US University? I fail to understand how such badly written, childish, shite, can be the normal standard of literacy that would be expected to get you on (and remain on!) an English course at a large US academic institution.

Surely if he didn't get kicked off the course for his mental problems, he should have been kicked off for being an illiterate knobber with no functional grasp of written English at all?

No wonder he was angry. He was a fucking retard.

2007-04-18T11:18:00.000-07:00

High School shootings

Whilst there are shootings and other stuff in other countries I was reading some of the comments in the UK Times and Telegraph online today from US posters. They were full of those “Fuck you English, we don‘t give shit what you think” posts in response to the debate on America’s obsession with guns.

This made me question whether we are in fact wrong to attempt to comment upon and analyse what is an internal matter for the USA, and whether we have any legitimate right to do so at all.

[Or whether it was simply the case that every NRA cardholding, NASCAR loving, pickup driving, shithead in the US had been told to start posting aggressively on UK media sites by the NRA National Executive].

The Europeans certainly can’t help criticising anything that seems to go wrong in America and you have to sit down for a second and think why we do it.

…… I think I have the answer.

The problem with America, and the reason why acts such as this draw criticism in Europe and elsewhere, is that we are fucking sick of watching your fucking films, drinking your fucking shitty coffee, buying your fucking shitty goods and having our lives invaded every fucking second by the constant bombardment of all of this SHITE that tells us you’re the best country in the world and how your so great at fucking everything. We don‘t ask for it. We don‘t demand access to your culture. You just shovel it into everyone‘s face 24 hours a fucking day until we think were part of it and therefore think we have the right to comment.

I don’t want to watch fucking shite like “Friends” on UK TV, or buy fucking Starbuck’s coffee on my street corner. You did that not me. We didn’t ask for it.

And because you impose your culture on us telling us how friggin great everything is, the minute an event happens that proves that all this shite that you produce in the media is just that, shite, we just can’t resist pointing it out. Because we know that your not all living happy shiny lives in La La Land, and that most of what you generate to show the rest of the world how great you are is fucking rubbish.

The US is not the worlds biggest democracy, it’s a country of big winners and big losers, only your stupid enough to let your losers arm themselves and attack the winners.

The US Government proved after Hurricane Katrina that it does not even give a flying fuck about its own poor or dispossessed so what can the rest of the world realistically benefit from interracting with US culture or values.

Cho Seung-hui is just another armed, pissed off, mentally unstable, loser who should not even have been able to look in a gunshop window never mind be allowed to purchase a fucking gun. Even serious mental health problems, which he had in December 2005, does not seem to preclude you from buying a gun in the free-est country in the world.

Its hardly a shining beacon to the rest of the world and we can’t help pointing that out because the "cultural" imperialism you export to tell us how great things are just fucking pisses us off.

2007-03-16T12:42:00.000-07:00

Yesterday .. peg-legged loonies seemed so far away.

Jesus I bet Paul McCartney and his family are breathing a collective sigh of relief today for getting rid of that peg-legged, moon-faced, geordie, fantasist.

It's shame that Paul got sucked into this but there's clearly a generation gap not simply in terms of age but in terms of the definition of fame and values between the 60's and the 00's.

By the age Heather is now [ 38 ] Sir Paul had already been part of the worlds most successful singer / song-writing combinations, put behind him a key role in the biggest band in the world, he was a multi-multi millionaire purely on the back of his own talents, and had virtually semi retired to pursue a solo career. He'd achieved virtually everything he wanted to by 30, and was enjoying the cash and the fame.

In comparison decades later he collided head on with the cheerleader of a new brand of international shiteratti whose only claim to fame appears to have been losing a limb, and shagging a range of hapless men before pissing off with their cash. In short an upwardly mobile white trash uni-ped with an eye on his cheque book.

This is all that counts as fame in this day and age, no hard effort, just open your legs (leg?) to get your ugly mug in the papers and the money comes rolling in.

Puzzling though: To this current generation who is more "famous" - billionaire creator of some of the worlds best pop music, or loony geordie shag-bag?

Its a warning shot for any other famous people of his generation who still seem to think that the same rules apply as when they were young. They don't. Beware. Every shread of decency in this world is for sale. There's always someone willing to do something, anything, for cash and the chance to get their ugly mugs in the papers at your expense. And you'll be torn up and spat out and fed to the dogs in the process because its all about cash.

2007-03-10T07:44:00.000-08:00

Worse than Bush.

Bush has got on my nerves again this week. Its got to the point where I really feel like vomiting everytime I hear that dimwitted pseudo-Texan accent once more spout some half assed, ill concieved, bullshit and try to present it as some form of lucid statement about anything.

The man is a fucking moron. What the fucking hell was America thinking of when they voted him back in?

But he has prompted me to think.

I said to my Wife on hearing the latest Bush statement on Iran "This guy has to be the fucking worst President of any country that has ever existed"

But I suppose that's untrue. He can only be the second fucking worst President of any country that has existed whilst that evil CUNT Robert Mugabe is still alive.

Bush might be bad but Mugabe is just a piece of crap.

I was reading one of the latest potted history's of his "achievements" yesterday

http://www.parade.com/articles/web_exclusives/2007/02-11-2007/dictators07.html

I see that Zimbabwe now officially has the world’s shortest life expectancy—37 years for men and 34 for women. It also has the worlds greatest percentage of orphans (about 25% according to UNICEF) and the worst annual inflation rate - 1,281% as of last month!

Mugabe has ruled Zimbabwe for 25 years and successfully got richer, and richer, whilst his country has been transformed into one of the most retrograde, impoverished, disease ridden shithole's in Africa.

Do they give you a Nobel Prize for the fact that 25% of your country is HIV positive and you do absolutely FUCK ALL about it.

That's no mean feat by any stretch of the imagination. At least Bush confines his activities to destroying lives in other nations, he leaves the people who voted him in largely alone.

How one person who has presided over such widespread devastation of his own country and his own people can sleep at night is absolutely unbelievable.

You have to question the value of 'democracy' when scumbags like this are allowed to maintain power, and express severe concern that other nations are prepared to do business with these sort of low grade shitbags and get away with it.

So worse than Bush it is.

Mugabe is living proof that Bush can't be the worst President ever and Zimbabwe acts as a shining beacon of hope to all Americans - it could actually be worse you could be living in fucking Zimbabwe.

And who the fuck would want to do that.

2007-02-17T12:15:00.000-08:00

Poor old Shitney

I see that Britney Speers has gone all Sinead O'Connor and now the media is worried about her mental state? Nice to see somebody on the verge of fucking up on a big scale getting so much media attention ... its bound to tip her over the edge. For all I care you can shave your head, paint your arse purple, have a cock and balls sewed on and change your name to Brian.

I'm fucking sick of so called celebrities, and fucking sick of this one in particular.

I wonder how much Hello magazine will pay for "Britney's Exclusive nervous breakdown pictures"? To these people nothing is sacred ... they'd sell their own shit on ebay to make a fast buck ... there is no limit on the level to which they will stoop to degrade themselves for money.

Well Britney what are you famous for? Had a few records, a married a dickhead, had some ugly kids, divorced a dickhead, flashed your flange all over London, and now we have the impending nervous breakdown.

Oh yes ... and then there's fucking re-hab.

They're all now going to fucking rehab because they "can't cope" with the pressure. Well we all know that its not the pressure they can't cope with - its the sense of unworthyness they have because they know they are shit, and they know they have no talent, and they know they have expensive lifestyles to support in spite of it.

Its just hard to know where to go next isn't it Britney when you need millions of pounds a year to live off, but you know yourself that you've got no fucking talent of any sort.

Your only in your 20's and you've probably just realised what the next 20 years of your life are going to be and its shocked you. You know you'll be hawking your lardy fat ass around the magazines and on reality TV for decades being "famous for being famous" and will be stuck having to do stupider and more degrading things just to keep your ugly mug in the papers. All these probably flashed before your eyes:-

Britney drinks bucket of piss
Britney gets head shaved
Britney gets tattoo on forehead
Britney has left tit removed
Britney in live internet dog-sex scandal
Britney kills and eats next door neighbour
Britney lives on moon on blue cheese house

That's your life girl and you know it. If I knew that too I'd be shaving my friggin head myself.

Such is the emptyness and degradation of your multi-million dollar existence.

2007-01-08T12:06:00.000-08:00

Shiteratti

Its the only word for those "famous" Big Brother contestants

I was going to lay off all the Big Brother stuff and then I went to * asterisks' blog, and well, he's was totally right. Its pitiful. No doubt tonight is another evening in where the kids take the remote control and I have to watch that ignorant moon-pig Jade Goody do her best to appear sentient in the face of an over whelming revolt by the other contestants. This woman is the personification of great chunks of what is wrong with British culture.

No doubt as I watch the carnage unfold tonight I will again quietly consider what is so peculiar to British culture that we could breed, feed, and make rich such a monumental mass of ignorance and prejudice? Its not even good telly - putting a brain-dead troll in with people who can both speak and have a reading age of over 10 is just unfair. Its the modern equivalent of bear-baiting, goading some dumb defenceless animal. As if she is not bad enough you have to ask yourself whether that total fuckwit she is living with can actually walk and talk at the same time? Jeez. He's just some dumb-fuck famous for shagging, an illiterate fatass and nothing else.

Somewhere within this shitfest of mediocrity no doubt is a modern day tale of morality akin to Charles Dickens. We are, I think, witnessing the British media push that dimwitted chav back into the semi-literate swamp from which she originally emerged. Watching her "career" such as it is vapourising before our very eyes.

I am actually embarrassed to watch the screen. Is bothering to learn the name of someone not from your culture too hard for modern day Britains? Is being lucid, pleasant, and having a degree of dignity passee in this 21st Century world? Has overtly taking the piss out of someone who speaks and acts differently become a modern day sport?

Should we all aspire to being some brain-dead, ignorant, fuckbag?

None of these women are famous for anything

Jade Goody - Famous For Fuck-All
Danielle - Famous For Fucking Footballers
Joe - Fractionally Famous Fuckwit

I hate these women because they set an appalling example to my kids, gives people from other cultures an appalling view of my culture, and destroy any notion that Britain is the meritocracy labour has fought hard to generate. All three of them are living proof that in the last 10 years Britain has moved from Parklife to Pondlife.

Hopefully by the time the British public have seen more of her behaviour she won't even be able carve out a career giving £10 tit-wanks in Soho.

By the way - I'm actually the 24th most "iffluential" person in Britain and I know what it means you ugly, self-centred, illiterate, dimwitted, fat, guppy-faced pile of shite.

2006-12-30T11:19:00.000-08:00

Welcome to the AC’s new years horrors list.

I’ve been thinking about arseholes the world could really do without for 2007, which has prompted me to write my very own new years horrors list of what I would like to see happen to certain people during 2007. The list is not exhaustive - if you think I've missed anyone off please feel free to leave a comment.

George W Bush - finally announces to the world that he’s a "total fuckwitt" and has “no fucking idea” how America gets out of Iraq.

Tony Blair - goes on one free holiday too many when a Mrs West of Gloucester invites the family over for a stay in her quaint English B & B.

The Queen - accidentally refers to Blair and Bush as “a pair of cunts” in a live broadcast from the opening of Parliament.

John Prescott - gets relieved of post as Deputy Prime Minister. New title is “Fat twat in charge of shagging”. Has £600 sign made for his office door and buys a new ministerial Jag.

Pete Doherty - gets done for possession of heroin, gets jailed, gets bummed in the showers, gets AIDS

Paris Hilton - makes a celebrity scat DVD in which she‘s seen sharing a bath full of shit with Lindsay Lohan. Makes $5m from syndication, and say‘s it was a “life changing experience“.

Lindsay Lohan - drinks bath full of shit mistaking it for Bailey’s. Disney re-makes Death Race 2000 with Herbie as the star, Lohan brutally killed in opening scene.

Heather Mills - what more can you wish on her that her husband and the rest of the world don't already. "Break a leg dear" hopefully the wrong fucking one you moonfaced Geordie shitbag.

David Cameron - changes name to David Cameroon and moves to football obsessed African state

Jade Goody - books into Harley Street to have 30 lbs of unsightly fat removed. Re-emerges without head. Takes 4 weeks to die.

Donald Rumsfeld - changes name by deed poll to Ronald Bumsfelt and moves to San Francisco

Britney Spears - gets kidnapped on Somalian peace mission, and subjected to female circumcision. Starts wearing knickers in public - publishes new biography entitled “My lips are sealed”

Wayne Rooney - loses all his money and opens a pie shop in Wigan. Coleen gives blowjobs to tramps to make ends meet.

David Beckham - gets caught shagging nanny (again) and blames Posh because she only ever likes it up the arse and he's not that sort of guy.

“Posh” Spice - looks in a mirror and sees her real self staring back at her.

Kerry Katona - the fat scouser gets bummed by huge frozen Iceland sausage as part of a game in Celebrity Reality Show. Signs up for next two series.

Carol Smillie - kills 10 prostitutes in a one-night orgy of violence. Gets off by winking at the judge.

Jessica Simpson - has sex-change to finally become the woman she always wanted to be.

Tom Cruise - opens a midget farm in Nevada but gets seriously injured falling off his shoes.

Michael Jackson - admits he looks “a bit odd” and releases a rap album under the name of "K-D Fiddler".

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad of Iran - gets voted in as President of America after shock impeachment. US voters quoted as saying he’s more trustworthy than Bush.

J K Rowling - releases “Harry Potter and the Philosophers horn” in the May edition of Hustler.

Madonna - adopts a whole African country and moves it to Scotland

Brad and Angelina - go one better than Madonna and adopt the whole Continent of Africa and move 40 million people into a garage in Beverley Hills.

2006-12-17T17:37:00.000-08:00

X Factor

Fucking hate the programme. Kids bored me shit-less with it but at least Eddie Munster didn't win.

Bad luck Ray - on the positive side I hear Butlins in Minehead are looking for staff for easter

Who the fuck puts this shite on the TV.

2006-12-11T15:36:00.000-08:00

Enough of my depression, I was cheered by UK network TV re-screening "Forrest Gump" the other evening as its a fantastically clever film charting the death of the modern USA.

If your in the US and you want to know just where it all went wrong just watch that film again as it sort of supports my deep seated belief that US reached its height of global influence and significance in 1973 with the release of Lynrd Skynrds "Freebird", before sinking into the mire of warped values and corruption triggered by Nixon's resignation in 1974.

Then there was Ronnie Reagan, and AIDS. Fuck. Don't know which was worse.

Ignoring Clinton's efforts to invigorate things in the Nineties (maybe Southern men are the real heart of America, who knows) that's 30 years, or slow lumbering decline presented as progress whilst the rest of the world wholescale adopted all those values that had been slowly tearing America apart but we hadn't noticed.

Now were all in the shit because there is not one society that is not money obsessed, uncaring, wasteful and morally bankrupt. That's a real about-turn in just 30 short years.

I'm sure I would have loved America in 1973; big cars, big trucks, big buildings, big music, Hunter S Thompson, Charles Bukowski, politicians with vision, no big business, the Dallas Cowboys - Lynrd Skynrd and the Allman Brothers!

It was a cultural height of sorts, and where are we now in this globalised world?

Bombed out. Fucked off. Lied to. Disenfranchised. Having to invade foreign countries to keep fuel in our tanks and a fucking McDonalds or Starbucks every 400 yards.

The world is just one giant shopping mall now.

Maybe if we were all like Forrest the world would be a better place.

Sometimes you can just know too much in this world we live in.

I do and it frightens me.

2006-12-05T15:46:00.000-08:00

Lost the plot.

Not been well in a "nearly detained under the Mental Health Act" way.

Thanks for the nice posts asking where I am.

I might not be back for some time. There are things going on in this world, and particularly in this war on terror that will only come to light in the fullness of time (sounds mad dosen't it?) and my health is not too good.

Anyway.

I'm still reading all your blogs, just not wanting to post on mine.

2006-09-27T13:20:00.000-07:00

Cyber Cunts 5 - Nicki Graeme

Reality TV plumbs new depths with the publicity attached to this vacuous "celebrity" shitbag in the national newspapers. How can such an imbalanced, ugly, mentally-subnormal piece of human detritius manage to get paid for anything other than being punched repeatedly in the face.

I'm sure that for 30 seconds some members of the British viewing public thought that watching some dim bitch have a series of hissy-fits over nothing in particular was vaguely hilarious; but after you've seen it twice all you want to do is strangle the bitch and dump her head first into the nearest river.

Princess Nicki? That really is a joke. She's even shitter than Jacki Graham (anyone remember "Could it be I'm falling in love" circa 1987!).

I feel sorry for E4 giving her, her own series. The producer must have wanted to fucking well kill himself having spent 10 minutes in her company before realising that they could not get out of the fucking contract and they were stuck with this uninteresting, putrid, talentless, mong for a whole series.

Shite, shite, shite.

If I were a serial killer I'd focus on the fact that there has been seven series of Big Brother - that's more than enough people that nobody would ever miss to put on your list.

Reality TV is responsible for forcing these shitbags on the world, and we should learn from the experience. Hopefully it won't be too long before she's reduced to sucking off soap stars on some other "celebrity" shit-fest to keep her ugly, whiney, face on TV.

2006-09-22T13:44:00.000-07:00

Cyber cunts 4 - Pig Spice

Its not just that I hate mutton-dressed-as-lamb Essex white-trash that have more money than sense (although having 55p in loose change would qualify that statement in her case). No. Its that fact that nobody on the planet. Ever. Gives a fuck what this tiresome bint and her squeezy voiced mong of a husband do - but you can't open a newspaper without 5 fucking pictures of that odious silicon-titted skelator look-alike looming into view.

Have you no shame woman?

Its sad hearing about all those attempts to re-launch her career. I'm embarrassed for you. Face facts. What career? You should just count yourself fucking lucky that your sat in Marbella this summer rather than doing a stint on the Oriana out of Southampton to pissed old biddles on a Saga-and-sangria cruise.

When people like this just make money out of being "famous" its time for a media revolution where these airheads are pushed up against a wall and shot in the head live on some shitty reality show.

Like in olden times it should be heads on spikes live on Sky TV to put off the next generation of odious, tedious, talentless shitbags from taking their place.

Hellish.

2006-09-16T11:45:00.000-07:00

Question?

(For the record I am neither Catholic or Muslim)

Pope makes veiled anti-Islamic references by quoting some 600 year old text on the violence of Islam. Islamic nations respond by angrily demanding an apology, burning an effigy of the Pope and then issuing threats to the West.

What does that prove? Except that organised religion is just one great big stupid fucked up place where nobody in their right minds should venture.

Was it not Voltaire who said "I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it." rather than "I disapprove of what you say but if you say it again I'll burn a fucking effigy of you in the town square and hunt your family down"

2006-08-31T12:18:00.000-07:00

Cyber-cunts 3

Its .. Ta Da .... Barry Scott (or Gary Twott as my kids prefer).

(The Americans might be confused even more by this one).

First off what the frigging hell sort of name is "Cillit Bang"? Did he have a moment of revelation one morning whilst sat there having an early morning crap. I know says Barry Scott I'll call my new domestic cleaning product "Cillit Bang" that will really freak them out. They won't know what the fuck to think.

Or did a dyslexic pornsite operating mate offer him a domain name he bought whilst trying to purchase clitbang.com and he thought "fair enough, shame to let it go to waste".

Whatever the reason; mental name, mental advert.

As Cappy says the guy and the advert really get on your tits.

Transcript

"Hi I'm Barry Scott, and this is Jill"

"Hi Barry"

"Hi Jill"

"Tell me all about the special fluid have you been working on Barry"

"Well Jill, I have spent ages devising a special fluid that will take all the gunk off your tuppence. I've made it all myself in my bathroom"

"What?"

"Let me demonstrate Jill. If you'd be good enough to let me spray my magic fluid over your tuppence, I can prove that it will come up sparkly as a new pin. I call it the Cillit Bang effect"

"What's the Cillit Bang effect Barry?"

"Well Jill you get your tuppence out for the viewers ... if its a bit mucky don't worry. Now once its out you'll see that when I pump the trigger on my personal applicator .... hey presto .... you've got a spangly new tuppence without any effort at all"

"Wow Barry, that's brilliant. My tuppence looks like its just been freshly minted"

"Yes Jill it does"

"Well that's just fucking brilliant Barry. But explain to me again ... why the fuck is it called Cillit Bang?"

"Fuck knows Jill. Fuck knows"

I wanted to really have a real go at the guy but his Blog http://www.barryscott.blogs.com/ is an absolute belter - there is even an Irish Cillit Bang Gang [get it!] paying tribute to Barry Scott.

The man is becoming more cult than cunt (unfortunately)

2006-08-29T15:33:00.000-07:00

Cyber-cunts 2

Picture this twat ........

I have decided that I am going to start a gallery of cyber-cunts, and old fucking moon-faced, I love fucking football, stitch me up with a fucking loan and sell my wife into sexual slavery if I don't pay it back, is the first in the hall of fame.

Fucking hell. Its like watching an Arsenal supporting George Formby smirk his way through 30 seconds of prime time TV. Cunt!

How much do you get paid to smirk like you've just shat your pants, whilst encouraging a nation of couch-potatoes to sign up for repossession orders.

Its like saying "Come on. You're as stupid as me. Sign up today."

Picture my fucking arse .....

2006-08-25T15:23:00.000-07:00

Cyber-cunts

(With thanks to Sir Stewart Wallace, for the tip off)

Now I'm a cunt in real life. People who know me will vouch for that. I could pass a GCSE in cuntism, I could get a degree in it, a doctorate even. I just like being totally awkward to people who are up their own arses and basically need to be told. If it offends them then tough, they needed to be told so "bosh" job done.

I don't invite people to send me crap and waste my time but if they do ... well they're fair game.

I never thought any of the stuff I post demonstrates anything other than a permanent record of the inane drivel a paranoid mind creates. Its just tourettes in written form. If I did not do this I would be shouting "wankers" to Channel Four executives and waving my cock around in the Daily Star. Sadly my talent for that has not yet been recognised.

Do not pass "go", do not collect £200.

And yet somebody goes copying some of this stuff and I have to ask why? Do you want to appear as mental as me? Do you have nothing to say yourself? Or have you no ideas and yet always wanted to write a blog to impress your friends? Or are you just a cyber-cunt?

Cyber-cunts are people who have no life and resort to blogging to get attention, but once they set up their blog they have nothing to write about because (surprise) they have no life. Its a sort of electronic catch 22.

I think everyone out there agrees that there are some great blogs out there, funny stuff posted by people who lead full lives and want to share their ideas, jokes and interests with everyone. There is some great stuff about views on life, opinions on films, really funny well written stuff about everyday things that happen. And heart warming personal stuff too.

Its one great big melting pot out there, and there are some great people out there as well.

And then there are the people who just can't be arsed but need the attention.

And lastly there's me. A professional cunt who writes angry rubbish.

2006-08-17T14:31:00.000-07:00

Ode to John Prescott

I have a love hate relationship with the Deputy Prime Minister. One minute he's a sad, fat old arsehole, with his pants round his ankles sweating over his simpering secretary. The next I find myself agreeing with him when he describes US withdrawal plans as "crap". They sure are John, fucking crap, crap, crap.

I'm finding myself strangely coming back on side; at least he's not the sort of effete ponce who tries to hide behind false smiles and lies.

Plus I will always remember the look on the face of that twat with the ridiculous mullet who he punched in the face live on TV a few years back. What other major politician have you seen in recent years who's had the balls to punch a protestor in the face himself. If that would have been Dick Cheney in the US he'd have had his tenth heart attack as 25 security guards wrestled the guy to the ground and kicked the shit out of him. But not Prescott - bang, fuck off, stick your egg up your arse pal.

I am drawn to the conclusion that this is the sort of politics we want. Personal abuse, claims that policies are shit, calling world leaders cowboy's and punching people. That way we might get less wankers controlling our lives.

(PS: I'll hate him again next week for an entirely different reason)

2006-08-09T15:18:00.000-07:00

God!

I have spent the whole week pondering the point of my existence, and more importantly the reasons why the world is currently such an evil crock of shit place to be. Its like real life is being experienced from two different sides; on one side we have the harsh reality of life being experienced in the Lebanon, Iraq, Africa etc where the name of the game is purely to struggle against extreme adversity to survive, and on the other we have the consumer frenzied "La La Land" of the West where "real life" involves a shitty call centre job followed by buying £800 worth of shit you don't need on the credit card before the train ride home.

Have the two halves of the world ever been so diametrically opposed?

Can there really be a god in these circumstances, with one half of the world exporting misery and hardship in return for meaningless trinkets we just throw away and fossil fuels that are giving us cancer?

I have therefore devoted a lot of time this week on whether there really could be a god, and if so what the fuck is he playing at?

Religion it has to be said is evil. In fact it is a statement of fact that all religion is evil, because all religions follow doctrine, and if you do not subscribe to the doctrine then you are the enemy. If you are the enemy, then you're fair game for either extinction or conversion (they don't tend to mind which) and you deserve it.

I'm guessing that if there is a god he's probably laughing at all those people following doctrine, because what example do any of the so-called religious amongst us set to humanity?

Bomb in the name of freedom
Incite seperation and hatred
Create prejudice and mistrust
Educate to colonise
Develop to conquer

They are all fairly dishonourable principles carried out in the name of "god".

Doctrine is easy to follow. It requires no thought. It requires no intellect. It requires no freewill.

Could a god exist that would expect that only the simple-minded, and the inept to be worthy followers?

No.

So where does that leave me?

To be fair I don't really know; I thought I had all the answers and then "bang" they went again. But I can't believe that if there is a god he would be pleased at murder in his name, or death, rape, pilage or subjegation as a catalyst for intellectual enlightenment. I can't believe that he wants to blow aeroplanes out of the sky, or cluster bomb children, or innihilate villages and schools, or blow up people on buses, or injure and maim the old or the infirm.

The things that we do in the name of religion, prove without a shadow of a doubt that religion has nothing to do with god, or peace, or decency and is more to do with power, and control and money and wealth.

"Imagine no religion ... its easy if you try"

I think I'll go away and have my breakdown in peace now.

2006-07-31T14:22:00.000-07:00

Not in my name ...

This will be short and sweet.

Been looking at the TV news tonight and it struck me that none of this shit would happen if we didn't pay tax. Well it wouldn't. Would it?

By paying tax we are giving money to fuckers like Bush and Blair and the EU, and the UN, to basically do stuff in our name that we don't agree with. Its just fucking stupid.

Without tax revenue who would George W Bush be? Some smuck with a hole in his arse pocket who could not afford to spend the Billions, upon Billions it takes to invade a foreign country and wage wars that are apparently in our interest when they are fucking not.

If we all stopped paying taxes tomorrow sure we would have no hospitals, or libraries, but millions upon millions of people could sleep safely in their beds knowing that a fleet of F16's won't be able to bomb the shit out of them because they couldn't afford the aviation fuel to put them in the air.

If we stopped paying tax there would be no money to waste of futile campaigns, no money to prop up oppressive Governments, no money to rip off the poor with.

Its tax dollars [and pounds, and euro's] that are creating the chaos around us at this present time, its tax dollars that are putting up our prices by creating fuel supply problems, and its tax dollars that are killing babies in foreign countries to pursue democracy [ie. more tax dollars paid by smucks to bankroll government objectives].

Its our money, we are paying for this, and we don't even agree with it.

The world is totally fucked up, and we are stupid enough to let it happen.

2006-07-18T16:07:00.000-07:00

Yo arsehole!

Well the leader of the free world just proved finally and indisputably that he's some fucking third rate Texan Ali G impersonator. Yo Blair? What the fuck sort of way is that to address any other democratically elected leader at a forum of the most powerful countries on the planet.

I was just waiting for the onward threat that if events don't improve the Texas massive would roll into Lebanon and pop a cap in the ass of any mofo raghead that disrespected them or their bitches.

What a total fucking embarrassment that guy is, and what a piss-poor ambasador he is for US diplomatic relations with any other country.

Its times like this when I can really put the current global chaos into perspective. The world is totally fucked up, and getting more dangerous by the minute.

How to address people: extracts from the George W Bush book of global etiqitte:-

G8 meetings:

Tony Blair "Yo Blair"

Junichiro Koizumi: "Yo, get your you scrawny Jap ass over here"

Jacque Chirac: "Hey, you big nosed French cunt"

Paul Harper: "Yo you fucking moose fucker"

Diplomatic meetings

Kim Il Jong: "Hey you, the fat chink that looks like Elvis"

Hezbollah: "You guys all look the fucking same, which one of you towel-heads is the leader?"

I could go on and on ... but I'm tired.

2006-07-06T08:21:00.000-07:00

Really shit things.

I hate crap and anyone who generates crap; basically because we are annoying the arse out of each other and wasting precious natural resources to make money selling crap that nobody wants or needs. In a hundred years from now we will have cut down every tree, used every drop of water, and burned every barrel of oil and all that we will have to show for it will be landfill sites full of the sort of shitty trinkets displayed below.

There are companies out there who spend hundreds of thousands of pounds buying and selling useless shit to the globally inept. They send you catalogues full or the stuff, bombard you with junk mail, deluge you with spam. For what? To sell you shit that you would never even of considered buying and which, more importantly, you will never ever use.

In fact if you’re a “good e-bayer” (ie. frequent mug) all you end up doing is re-selling the shit to people more stupid than you are. It’s like supermarket sweep for landfill; how many items can you get into your trolley before pouring them into a hole in the ground without even opening the packaging.

As a result I am compiling a shit list
of the crapest gadgets and implements mailed or spammed to me in recent
months.

I will also be supplementing this list with a few shit ideas of my own which I think are dead certs to make me my first million.

Product:

The George Forman USB Grill!
http://www.thinkgeek.com/stuff/looflirpa/igrill.shtml

Their description

The low-fat, high-bandwidth solution to your networked cooking needs is finally here [I kid you not]
Download recipes, enter in the type of food, weight and desired degree of doneness, and the iGrill handles the rest.

AC's description

Shite, shite, shite, shite, shite. Thought it was a joke. It was not.

Product:

The Chocolate Thong for Her
http://www.21stcentury.co.uk/gadgets/altgifts/chocolate_thong_for_her.asp

Their description:

If your other half has got a bit of a sweet tooth why not slip into this heart shaped Belgium chocolate thong which is guaranteed to satisfy both of your appetites!

AC's description

Mmmh; Belgian chocolates that taste of someone else’s shit - just what I’ve always wanted.

Product:

AM / FM hands free binoculars
http://www.sportbinox.com/

Their description:

Sportbinox are hands free binoculars that offer an optional am/fm radio to help follow the game, or just listen to relaxing music while enjoying nature. Bird watchers love them

AC's description:

What the FUCK. Anyone who buys these should be immediately arrested and locked up for their own good. “Look like Universal soldier whilst listening to a shit AM station and wanking under a dormitory window“.

Product:

Spider catcher
http://www.prezzybox.com/products/index.aspx?pid=3529&TID=900

Their description:

Tony Allen came up with the idea for the Spider Catcher after spending years chasing spiders with a hoover or rolled up newspaper for his young son who was terrified of them

AC's description:

Surely Tony must now look back at all those wasted years when he could have devoted his life to cocaine and hookers, but decided to devote his life to spider catching instead. And its TEN QUID.

Product:

Casino Carousel chips & card holder
http://www.alt-gifts.com/shop/shop/page/product/product_id/2986/assoc/afwindow/

Their description:

Why not introduce some of the glitz, glamour and high risks of a night out at the betting tables in Las Vegas with this great casino card and chip holder [it costs £7.49]

AC's description:

Impress your friends with a shit £7 piece of tat that makes them believe you are a professional gambler [are they insane!] PS: it annoys me that ANY materials at all have been used to make this.

Suggested “anticrapitalist” branded tat

Product:

The John Prescott’s ring-piece pencil sharpener

AC's description:

Elegantly sculptured in pink silicon, this realistic representation of the Deputy Prime Ministers sphincter is a real “dead ringer” of a gift. Insert your pencil and watch him miraculously “swivel” in front of your eyes.

AC's comments:

We envisage a sell out over the next couple of weeks. We already have a bulk order from a “Mr Brown” (no pun intended) in Scotland.

Product:

George W Bush incontinence pants

AC's description:

Made our of plastic refined from real Alaskan oil; at least next time the policy decisions of the worlds favourite statesman cause you to shit yourself your pants will be fully “protectorised”

AC's comments:

Coming to a Wal-mart near you soon, if you don‘t shit yourself listening to the Presidential address first.

Product:

“I’m to clever to be on Big Brother” T-shirts

AC's description:

Register your joy at not being the sort of retarded fuckwitt that seeks fame and fortune by being filmed arguing and shitting for 8 weeks.

AC's comments:

Not sold any in Essex yet, but we remain hopeful that they will take off. Available in size XXXXL if you have tit’s the size of basketballs.

Product:

Combined dildo, torch, drinks stirrer, FM transmitter and cigarette lighter.

AC's description:

Imagine there is a power cut and all you want to do is have a fag and listen to Chris Moyles whilst wanking and knocking up a Martini. Well now you can with this useful five in one device!

AC's comments:

There really is strong demand for such a multi use device.

Product:

The Mark Oaten Bumomatic

AC's description:

Imagine that you’ve had a hard day voting or such like, and all you need to do is relax and stop worrying about losing your hair. Well the bumomatic stimulates hair growth via a new and totally unproven massage and stimulation technique. Just insert the bumomatic and watch that hairline reappear.

AC's comments:

The technology is unproven BUT if not totally satisfied refunds are available via cheque stamped “bumomatic anal stimulator refund” in red ink. If you dare to cash it you can have your money back with pleasure.

Normal anger will be resumed as soon as possible ........

2006-07-01T15:49:00.000-07:00

Engerlannnnnd!

Well I'm not really into football but even I feel short-changed by that pile of shite display tonight.

What a shit-fest of mediocrity.

You have all that press speculation about how crucial Rooney is to the team and then he gets sent off for kicking someone in the balls, before they lose on penalties. Nice one you fucking muppet.

Fucking rubbish. Embarrassing. Shit. Pants.

Explain this to me.

I go to my boss who is paying me £200,000 a week and explain that I can't get a ball through a standard sized goal mouth at 20 paces without anyone being in the way.

What do you think he says.

Fucking rubbish. You're fucking sacked.

Don't worry if you're feeling bad why not buy another Aston Martin and shag some putrid bag of bones.

What a bunch of overpaid useless wankers.

2006-06-17T14:27:00.000-07:00

George Lovely Bush

I was just thinking last week what a sound straight up guy that George W Bush is. I love the way he is so clever with all the "big boy" things he does, and how every other President or Premier looks like a true arsehole in comparison.

In fact he's so tough, clever and compasionate he makes me look like a dickhead.

I also love Texas, and doubt that many of its inhabitants are actually:-

Fat
Loud-mouthed
Ignorant
Dangerous fuckwitts

And that McDonalds corporation - well it might be run by a clown but thats just marketing and stuff and only a fool would say otherwise.

I also think that American foreign policy in the world is just groovy, and hope that Jeb Bush gets in in 2007.

Join the Blue Ribbon Online Free Speech Campaign!

2006-05-27T13:34:00.000-07:00

David fucking Blaine

I see they are running a TV programme about the life and challenges of the uber tosser himself this evening, and it struck me that he has to be one of the most annoying wankers in the world.

Why is this guy famous? Just hearing his whiney voice try and justify the stupefying pointless shit that he does makes me want to go and slit my wrists.

I see he had to go to Times Square for his last stunt after that farcical attempt he had in London a few years back to live in a glass box [whoop do doo] manifestly fell on its arse. He can’t do anything in Britain again because the British people basically took the piss out of him and threw eggs at the twat because trying to live in a glass box suspended in mid air was just such a fucking stupid idea.

If you want to watch some delirious, emaciated guy, shit in a box in full public view you only have to hang round outside Victoria Coach Station. Its hardly a spectacle is it?.

But America seems to love David Blaine and now he’s failed his challenge in New York no doubt he’ll be back with some other monumentally pointless stunt at some point in time.

I can just see it now.

Cue whiney voice

“Well what I really felt I had to do for my next challenge was to hang by my balls, blindfold, from a balloon suspended above Niagra Falls, whilst a family of otters colonised my anus for a month. And you know; on the very last day after not eating, talking, or shitting for a month I have to do a swan dive into the Falls in a full suit of 16th Century Armour and make my escape in a Submarine made entirely from my own internal organs.

Cue pointless American chat show host cooing “Oh David you’re just sooo brave. We love you David”

Wanker. You just can't escape that fact.

2006-05-23T15:45:00.000-07:00

McBollocks

As Big Brother will divert the attention of my family for weeks, I need to develop another pointless campaign to see me through the boredom of my self imposed isolation.

Having read the cringe worthy shite that McDonalds puts on its “blog spot” I have decided that its as good a target as any (actually I’ve hated this cruddy organisation for years and been waiting for an excuse).

Anyway.

You really should read the McDonalds blogspot -

http://csr.blogs.mcdonalds.com/default.asp

This is a fucking cult not a business. McDonalds are the fucking moonies of the fast food industry. The pure bollocks spouted by the corporate automatons that they allow to blog is just incredible - here is just one example

“Last week I mentioned that I was at our biennial McDonald's Worldwide Convention in Orlando [whoop de fucking doo!] …. So you might be wondering. Did corporate social responsibility get any play at this event? Well, the answer is a "yes." CSR was definitely in the mix.”

Well Bob. I was wondering nothing of the fucking sort. I don’t lie awake at night wondering how CSR integrates with conventions. What I was wondering though was how does a 35 year old grown adult feel wearing a smock and red paper hat and speaking incomprehensible bollocks to employees who can’t even speak English all week?

I hate these wankers because they just fill the world with bullshit for no legitimate reason other than to sell saturated fatty food, to fat saturated people.

Plus it’s the whole bullshitty McDonalds language that gets me. You buy a burger and fries and then they ask you “Would you like a meal?”. Well of course I want a fucking meal. I’m here aren’t I? I didn’t come in because I thought this was a fucking bright red opticians. If you want sell me a Coke [sorry Pepsi they can get sued for even saying Coke when it isn't] to go with my food then sell me a fucking Coke. But don’t ask me if I want a fucking meal when I am here buying my lunch. In England having a coke with a burger and fries is not a fucking meal, its buying a drink to go with your fucking meal you fucking moron.

Anyway.

These twats really piss me off. Besides there was rumour “doing the rounds” in my area that some illegal immigrant got nabbed for putting his own “special sauce” in the Cheeseburgers so I decided that this prestigious purveyor of highly mediocre fare will be the target of my pointless activities over the next week or so.

I love the drive ins as you can seriously piss people off as the queue builds up behind you.

You go to the first booth and order your gear.

Then as you get to the second dispatch booth you just pretend that they’ve got the order completely wrong and get them to run around for ages whilst irate people start blowing their horns and getting really pissed off behind you.

Usually the people in both booths don’t speak English too well and are usually half asleep so its easy to get them confused, and because the system is purely order driven (American businesses don’t cater for mistakes) it throws them into total chaos to change.

Normally they ask you to pull forward so they can sort the problem out without affecting everyone else, but you refuse and sit there watching them run around clogging up the place for ages. Then after they’ve spent 5 minutes changing your order, they finally give you what you asked for the second time and you say “I’m sorry you must have misheard me, I asked for a milkshake not a Pepsi “ or whatever and the whole thing starts again.

Its fucking brilliant. But I think they already have my number on CCTV.

2006-05-18T13:27:00.000-07:00

Big tosser

Well I gave in. I have been forced to watch that reality shit-fest that is Big Brother by my kids tonight, and I have to say that first thing in the morning I am suing the production company I mentioned in "Why is my reality not their reality?".

Why? One of the bastards actually has tourettes! (and most of the others look mentally ill). Well you read it here first on the 5th May, they officially stole my idea. They are just a bunch of robbing twats.

Plus who was that CUNT that fell down the stairs like Norman fucking Wisdom and thought it was hilarious. Christ. If falling down stairs is that funny going for a piss later is bound to be side splitting.

Hopefully the only side splitting experience he'll have in the future is with a fucking scythe.

And what's with the ugly Lilly Savage look-alike with tits like water mellons? I'm guessing that somewhere in the next couple of weeks there will be a "vote for the most unrealistic transvestite in the house" competition and we already know the winner.

How many weeks of this crud will I have to endure?

I feel another pointless campaign coming on.

2006-05-15T15:20:00.000-07:00

I'm re-posting this because I now realise how much I fucking hate the call centre industry

It only costs 25 quid to sell your soul

On holiday last month - missed sending off a cheque to my credit card company by one day. Statement arrived today - twenty-five quid plus penalty interest, plus they got the cheque anyway a day late and cashed it. I add this robbery to all the other attempts at invading my pocket this month.

People are dying in Iraq in the name of democracy. This commoditized democracy will surely mean that in ten years from now some American bank gets the right to charge each and every one of them twenty five dollars for paying their debts a few hours late. I cry.

I called the call centre just because I was bored and guessed that the operators were bored to. Bored of taking calls from pissed off customers that their company had stolen money from. Bored of their crap pay, bored of their robotic lives. Battery hens crap where they stand, its rare to be forced to stand where somebody else craps for money.

It only costs twenty-five quid to sell your soul.

I wonder where the call centre guy is based.

The accent is non-specific and geography means nothing to me anymore. It could be Birmingham, it could be Bangalore. I ask myself if I care as I force him to explain, again, why they have charged me twenty-five quid and why they can’t rescind it.

I don’t (care).

There could be a civil war happening outside his electronic fortress; a bloody coup d’etat. History could be changing at the very perimeter of his carpark. And yet I still force him to explain to me, three times, why I have to pay the fee when they have already banked the money I owed.

We are not writing history anymore, we are wasting peoples time, creating crap, franchising fraud.I wasted twenty minutes of my life talking to call centre guy, and I guess I wasted twenty minutes of his life too. That’s forty minutes of wasted effort.

If I cared I could have asked him how he was, learned something about his culture, understood his geography, and religious beliefs. But twenty-five quid is twenty-five quid and that‘s all it takes to sell your soul.

2006-05-13T15:55:00.000-07:00

I'm not that bothered about taking over anything that's shiite.

I saw this headline on Yahoo today.

http://www.yahoo.com/s/135782/*http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20060513/ap_on_re_mi_ea/iraq

I though why target anything that you know is shite?

I'm sure there are loads of shite shrines in Iraq. Those that are a bit scuffed around the edges, and a bit blackened from all that bombing. Why target one shite shrine over another?

Shite idea.

2006-05-12T14:34:00.000-07:00

The cock-market

Been up since yesterday following the world markets; not that I'm interested (or have any money) but its a thing I do from time to time when interesting things start to happen. I like the psycology of markets. Particularly when fear creeps in.

Today it was great watching all those US brokers on CNN shitting their pants because the Dow and the Dollar have gone into free fall, when no ordinary people anywhere else in the world actually give a fuck whether stocks have fallen or whether the Dollar is falling, rising, or (as with the last 48 hours) plummeting. They say things like "This is terrible news for investors" or "This is bad news for ordinary peoples' pensions" as if anyone is actually sat home is sat crapping their pants that their lives will be dramatically affected by all of this bullshit.

Its as if they have to get us to buy into their paranoia so that we experience the fear that they have that their whole lives will be torn apart by events which are largely outside of their control.

Their basic fear is "Will I have to hand the Bentley back" or "Will the kids have to come out of private school" or "Will we have to move out of the stockbroker belt?" Those are their fears. Not "Can I eat tomorrow" or "Where can I get clean water" or even "Will my kids die of AIDS before I do". Real fears that affect ordinary people in countries across the world. Countries that have been either plundered or ignored in the global quest for extreme personal wealth.

These people are scum. Executive pond-life skating on the stinking crust of a global sewer. Don't give them air-time.

I love America, and yet at the same time these people expose its double standards [a sweeping generalisation I know] and watching such pond-life TV brings it home to you how detatched this "executive" world is from everyone elses.

Lack of money and status appears to be the only social impediment to life across the Atlantic. Not lack of morals,lack of decency, or lack of compassion. Forget ethics. These people are about money and status first and foremost, and the biggest shame to them is ending up with neither. They would rather die than be poor.

They would sell their soul to drive a bigger SUV than anyone else, or to have that latest Porsche. They would stab anyone and everyone to get that one rung on the ladder higher than they are already.

So when I see the price of gold rising, the Dollar falling, and cash rich economies like China and Asia putting pressure on a US market mired with debt run up by one of the most inept world leaders ever to take executive office, I can't help looking at some of these smug, hyper-active, MBA educated, twats and thinking "Well fuck you. There's a window over there. Fucking well use it".

2006-05-10T14:21:00.003-07:00

"Go" is a two-letter word

I don't normally "do" politics but watching that twat Blair on the TV tonight brought on a whole wave of anger I have not experienced for quite some time.

Like Berlusconi this guy now seems to inhabit his own "reality bubble" where he interprets the words "Go you wanker" as "You're doing a great job Tony" at every opportunity. It just shows the shocking ignorance, and arrogance of these people and their desparate need to hold onto to power for the last possible second they can.

All this in the same day that George Bush backs his brother as a Presidential candidate - I doubt that even the average American is that eager to re-visit the scene of a global car-crash.

Anyway.

By the time of the elections there will be huge Americans riding round on tiny mopeds like downtown Beijing whilst the gas guzzling Presidential cavalcade sweeps them into the gutter. This is the only guy in living history that can invade an oil state to secure supply and create a f**king oil crisis.

The world is fucked up and heading South fast.

Anyway.

New labour - what a total bunch of arseholes and misfits

Its like being drunk in a pub and deciding which one of the bastards you want to punch first, before picking up a chair so you can do some damage to all of them simultaniously.

My pet hate is that frigging Ruth Kelly. I'm truly sick of seeing her face on the telly. The only upside to me is that we are exactly the same age and at least I don't look like that bastard child of Captain Scarlett and Wee Jimmy Krannie so at least life has dealt me with something.

For clarity: "Go" means "Go"

2006-05-09T10:08:00.000-07:00

Four by f**kers

My nihlistic driving tendancies came out on my way home from work yesterday, leaving some four by four driving ponce and his pseudo footballers-wife with a very big bill.

Don't you just hate those arseholes with their blacked-out windowed, chrome wheeled, twat-mobiles that think they own the road? There just mobile pond life, in Gap clothes.

Well I could see Mr Big Bollocks "Look at me my cars so huge" at the roundabout and something just pissed me off about him driving around like he's David Fucking Beckham with his dumb chav-scum wife on her flip up mobile phone. I had the right of way but Mr Ponce decides that because he's got bullbars, and because his car is so big and threatening he can just force me to stop.

Wrong!

Here's a quick lesson in driving ettiquite - I drive a 20 year old Merc that weighs 2 tons and its so battle scarred that I don't give a shit where it ends up. You on the other hand own a brand new ponce-mobile that cost fifty grand and does not look good with the side hanging out of it.

I almost saw him cry as I grated down the side of it. I reckon I got every panel on the passenger side before he stopped.

Had a great argument afterwards to. He went totally fucking ballistic. It was great.

Called me a fucking moron, and my car a piece of shit [it is], and then I guessed I could get him a bit more angry so I walked up and down surveying the damage before saying calmly "What a shame, it was a lovely paint job".

He called the cops.

After more arguing they agreed I had the right of way and noted it on the accident report so it looks like his insurers are going to pay to fix my car up.

What a result.

What a twat.

2006-05-05T11:42:00.000-07:00

Why is my reality not their reality?

I’ve stopped drinking and its driving me mad - I’m now having to fill all the time I am usually pissed with doing stuff, and my mind just goes all evil after half an hour. The things that race through my head are unbelievable, and the mind numbing tedium of the crud I watch on the box keeps bringing me back to reality show ideas. People are making tens of millions of pounds out of some of the shittest ideas ever conceived - “Celebrity Twat Island” or “Fat bastard makeover - bikini edition” or “Please make my pig-ugly wife better”.

In fact having watched someone on that show with the annoyingly stroppy Scottish bird actually sit there whilst shit was sucked out of their arse live on TV, and then spend three whole minutes discussing why their shit was totally the wrong sort of shit I decided that things could not possibly get worse.

Well I’ve got news for you Gillian McKeith - watching some chav moon-pig from Scunthorrpe crap into a Tupperware box is a metaphor for your contribution to family entertainment.

Anyway.

The sheer volume of utter crud out there defies belief, and its unbelievably CRUEL in the extreme. Particularly that American one where the child abandoned at birth has to guess which is her “real dad” from a panel of seven contestants.

Anyway

Not having had much luck with my “Celebrity Duck Shoot” game show format [see previous post], last week I decided to annoy the arse out of the same production company by mailing them with my latest attempt at money and notoriety:-

In my letter I outlined three distinct reality formats aimed at three distinct TV markets:-

Ant and Dec’s Celebrity Spaz Farm
Gay for a Week and
Smack Island

I thought that they were all “dead certs”

Ant and Dec’s Celebrity Spaz Farm

What you get is thirty days of “Big Brother” style entertainment hosted by the cheeky Geordie twats from a hill farm in Wales, where ten carefully chosen celebrities participate for a fifty grand prize that will go to a charity.

At outset nobody knows what charity will win, and on arrival each celebrity receives two sealed envelopes; one contains a secret affliction, and the other list of traits that are connected to that affliction.

It’s a bit complicated. I needed to provide an illustration here.

Take Jodie Marsh. Say she had a card that had “Tourettes” written on it. It would then be her challenge to spend 30 days mimicking all the symptoms of tourettes. Somebody else, say that fat bird Abby Titmuss, she‘d have a totally different affliction, perhaps nymphomania, and she would have to spend thirty days mimicking that [on reflection it might not be too hard that one].

So you have ten different celebrities on a farm with Ant and Dec, mimicking ten different afflictions hence “Celebrity Spaz Farm” [its on a farm that is about the only farm connection I could think of].

Hilarity would ensue.

But .. and this is the good bit .. you don‘t tell the viewers what card each celeb has been given, and every couple of days someone is nominated and the public phone in to guess what is wrong with them.

If they get it right that celebrity has to leave.

Throughout Ant and Dec can only give away cheeky subtle clues to the ailment of a particular celeb [such as “Christ she’s spent all week hiding under her bed, do you think she's telling us something Ant?" or "Blimey, he's fallen over again!"].

Again hilarity would ensue.

At the end the mystery charity cops the fifty grand, so everyone’s a winner.

Not impressed?

Well my second idea was Gay for a Week

Here you take four celebrity married couples, and pair the male of one couple off with the male of another couple, and the female of that couple off with the female of the other couple; the challenge of course is to be “Gay for a Week”.

Once paired off each new couple is shipped to a specially constructed cottage in Hove and has to experience all aspects of life as a homosexual couple, via a series of hilarious challenges whilst being filmed 24 hours a day for a week.
Individual couples would be coached in the art of “Rug Munching” or “Pillow biting” by a team of celebrity homosexuals, and challenges such as the “Double-ended dildo race” would add a competitive edge.

The winners are the ones who after a week look and act most like a genuine gay couple, as voted by the panel of celebrity homosexuals.

I suggested that perhaps Des O’Connor and Melanie Sykes might be the most appropriate show hosts. [Des "Sit down and tell us all about it, that's if you can! Titter, titter"]

I really liked this but perhaps its a bit alternative?

Anyway.

My final idea was Smack Island.

This is a mixture of gritty real life shows like “Airport” and more competitive reality formats such as “The Games”

This show involves getting celebrity anti-drug campaigners to spend a week travelling between Kingston, Jamaicia and Gatwick via a series of budget airlines, cheap mini-cab companies, and people traffickers van’s whilst concealing copious quantities of smack up their arses and undertaking a variety of drug-mule centric challenges.

They would be coached by real “Yardies” on concealment techniques, and how to avoid customs, or bribe transport Police.

Challenges such as the “Don’t plop, smack drop” would test their metal by seeing how many condoms filled with pure Heroin they can retrieve from their anal cavities whilst utilising one hand to use their mobile phone in an NCP Carpark toilet at South Terminal.

To appeal to the kids there would also be “Sniffy” the drugs dog, who would be used to track down our celebrity mules as the competition progressed.

If detected at any time they are off the show for good.

At the end of the contest Michael Barrymore, and a panel of rappers would pick the celebrity most suited to being a drugs courier, and donate fifty grand to a drugs related charity of the winners choice.

I liked this, and it would create a better awareness of the seedy side of the international drugs trade.

Anyway.

Those were the formats that I decided deserved to make me rich and famous and as I sent the package off to them last week, I decided to call the chap I addressed the package to ask why they had not been back to me to snap up these ideas before “Someone else ran with them”

I called several times. Leaving my number on each occasion.

On the final attempt his secretary informed me that “He does not want to talk to you. He thinks this is a wind up. Please don’t contact us again”

Well fuck you Mr Choosy!

Next time I see some piss-poor, crapfest-of-crud, celebrity shit-box of a programme featuring people I never even knew were “famous” I’ll remember those words.

2006-04-28T09:27:00.000-07:00

The shit-streak challenge

I have grown to hate one particular shop that cannot stop bombarding me with tat, in some misplaced mission to get my money off me.

For months now my doorstep has been cluttered by its unappealing shiny paper mailers to entice me into buying one wonderful “special offer” or another. They are only second to Dell Computers for their sheer ability to carpet bomb my house with cack in the hope that I am mentally defective enough to be parted with my cash.

Anyway.

Its been hotter his week and fueled by a few pints of lager on Wednesday, I bought a bumper sized Mars bar and having left it in my pocket for a good half hour I decided to visit said shop and try on the wonderful array of goods that filled the flyers that are now blowing around my garden.

And so began my new protest – the shit-streak challenge.

I like shirts - particularly long ones that don’t tuck into your trousers - and spent a good half hour in the store trying on all sorts of high quality shirts, furtively going into the changing room with numerous different colours and styles before leaving on each shirt-tail a lovely chocolaty “skid-mark” for the next potential buyer to see courtessy of my now melting Mars bar. You should try it. Its quite satisfying leaving a subtle brown pseudo-crap strip down the back of a garment just to show your contempt for the disrespect the retailer shows for your mailbox.

I must have tried a good twenty shirts on during my time. I got bored after about half an hour went back to the pub. However, after a few more pints my curiosity got the better of me and I returned to the scene of my dirty protest to watch the look on the faces of people who were now trying on the pre-soiled garments. The look of horror on someones face when they observe an apparent crap stain on the back of something they have just tried on is quite something. “Was that me?” they fear. “Did I do THAT?” Or for the more curious “Is it really shit?” or maybe horror of horrors “Is that really MY shit”. The reaction is priceless. One chap even tried to have a furtive sniff just to check in answer to the “Is it really shit?” question. Then the detective instincts kick in as you can see their frightened minds start to think “That can’t be mine. Perhaps it was that other guy who just put it back on the rack in front of me? The dirty bastard. Where is he now?”

They quietly look around and they can’t see him.

(He's pissed off mate, just like you'd like to)

That’s when the confusion and panic sets in, as they realise the need to blame others is a natural human reaction.

They then extend this logic:

“I’m standing here holding shitty shirt. What if the shop assistant thinks that I’M the dirty bastard?”

Then.

“How do I put it back on the rack before anyone sees it?”

And

“Where is the exit and how quick can get to it?”

Anyway

Lesson of the week: Don’t send me junk mail for things I don’t want. I know you sell shit, and I have a really effective way of letting other people know you sell shit too.

2006-04-07T13:10:00.000-07:00

Welcome to Shite Club

I’m always pleased when one of my all time favourite films is re screened on TV, and it prompted by to read the book again which is probably the fourth time I’ve read it in the last couple of years.

I love Chuck Palahniuk’s core theme in Fight Club; that consumerism stinks and in the end most of western civilisation is no longer living in the real, gritty, piss strained world as we retreat into some pathetic middle class fantasy-land where we don’t have to use brute force and instinct to survive, but depend on assholes as our sole source of income.

The lives we are living today are increasingly false, the branding and marketing people are taking over and so I have decided to set up Shite Club

There are only two things you need to know about Shite Club ….

Anyway.

The system we live in thrives on bullshit, and in order to improve your lives you have to buy into the bullshit around you, and also generate more bullshit that people can feed off. It’s a bullshit multi-marketing scheme.

It goes something like this.

Someone in your street buys a new car. Its shit, and after a few weeks he realises it shit. But in the pub he doesn‘t want to appear like a knob whose bought a shit car so he can’t stop telling you how great his new car is, and how much better his car is than yours. After a few weeks you get sick of listening to him telling you how great his new car is. You go out and buy a new car [that you can‘t afford] that is the one model up from his. He’s pissed off. Three weeks later you realise that you bought a shit car that you can‘t afford. But so that you don‘t want to admit you‘ve been conned, you start telling people down the pub how great your new car is. Three of them go out and buy similar cars they can’t afford either.

Familiar? Welcome to Shite Club

Shite Club starts on Amazon.com, on e-bay, on your banking website; on any web based sales site that relies on “honest” customer feedback to bring in more sales.

You post feedback like

“Shit product. I feel cheated that I bought it”

Or

“Guy took twenty days to dispatch this item and it was broken. What a cunt”

Or

“This phone / camera / gadget is so crummy I am asking for a refund”

You post anything that that offers 100% honest feedback about the product you bought, and the reason you felt let down when you opened the box with the crappy item inside.

I have started this on one of the sites and found out that they pulled the postings off, so I complained to the site manager that they are massaging the feedback to con people into buying duff goods. Bingo. The feedback gets posted and there’s nothing they can do about it.

So …

There’s only one rule about Shite Club - it’s a club for people who bought shite and aren’t embarrassed to admit it.

Membership is free, sign up all your friends.

2006-04-03T13:08:00.000-07:00

Christ; harassed until I get of my fat arse and annoy people.

Been pissed off recently thinking about Norman Fucking Kember. I don‘t believe that “fucking“ is his middle name but he‘ll always be Norman Fucking Kember to me.

He is one guy that makes me believe that there a competition going on amongst god-botherers in this world do the most fucked up, stupid, crazy things in the name of God.

You get the most fake war ever convened, that uses some fucking lunatics misguided belief in his God to invade another country, and then it becomes fucking Center Parcs for tambourine wielding, patterned jumper wearing, lunatics like Kember.

There must be adverts in Christian Simpleton Weekly that runs …

“Bored shitless by the lack of non Muslims to convert in Pinner / Reading / Milton Keynes [insert shit-boring featureless UK town of your choice] then why not come to Iraq! There‘s plenty of angry disaffected people to try to convert, and they‘re all armed, dangerous and angry as fuck. If you‘re lucky you get to shit in a bucket with three of your Christian brothers for three months and eat stale bread before being shot in the head. Don‘t believe what the Foreign Office say, book your ticket today. Its fucking brilliant!”

Anyway.

These people are dangerous; they should not be let loose in our society never mind anywhere where people carry AK47’s as fashion accessories.

So I rang my local Christian Aid number and offered my services to “Go to Iraq and tell heathens about God” and you know what?

The bastards tried to talk me out of it.

Straight up. They said it was not a good idea and that there were plenty of ways I could help them staying in the UK.

“But I want to go to Iraq” I said “I want to dedicate my life to helping those who need it most”

Again they pointed out that it was not a good idea and that there were loads of things I can do like stuff used clothes into bin bags and pack food; that sort of stuff.

“But I want to go to Iraq” I said

“Well your on your own they finally relented”

So much for the pioneer spirit!

Anyway

I bet there would be no risk if ever I got caught. Quick tip to those still out there - just sing “Kum by fucking ah” every fucking night for an hour and you’ll be out by the third day. That’s if they don’t shoot you first.

2006-03-18T12:44:00.000-08:00

It'll be fun to stay at the YMCA !!!

Having had my rant the other week, and following the arrival of a new computer to replace the one some bastard decided would be better in their house than mind, the results of my loan quest are below.

In the intervening period there was an article in the Times (can‘t find the link) suggesting that anyone who uses these sort of companies to consolidate unsecured credit and loan debts is a total fucking moron. If you have unsecured debts on cards and you can‘t pay them off they‘re unsecured so fuck them - you‘ll probably be made to feel uncomfortable but you’ll walk away more often than not. However roll these over to a “consolidation” loan secured on your home and you get into difficulties and you’re at the YMCA whilst Mr “I speak your fucking language mate” is living in your house you tosser.

These companies know this … this is why they want you to do just that so they can get your house on the cheap when you can‘t pay back the repayments at 18% APR.

This is the true reality of the business model.

Anyway …

It was hard to get a good discussion with the loan “advisors” (ie. teenagers clearly on commission working off a script) without giving away personal data and thereby risk receiving an avalanche or shite every time I open the door - so I found that I could get what I wanted better if I called a few of the usual suspects asking for “help” and “looking at options” because I’ve got myself into trouble with cards.

My premise was always this

I was twenty -five

I was a full time carer for my disabled mother

The house was in my name so that mothers benefits were not affected

I worked out of hour shifts at McDonalds after mother was in bed

I had £7,500 on four credit cards which I was “juggling“ but needed some extra money to see my internet girlfriend in Bulgaria in May

(Not that I was wanting to appear vulnerable in any way!)

Anyway just to prove that these people are the sort of heartless fuckers you always suspect they are, I am pleased to report that question three was always the starting point to the solution to my frivolous addiction to cards once all the bullshit and niceties were out of the way.

They all had a similar script that went something like this …

“So you own your own home, Sir”

“Well yes I suppose I do. All the bills and stuff are in my name because Mother signed it over to me a few years ago”

“But its your home. You don’t own it jointly or anything”

“No. Mother wanted to sign it over to me because it might affect her disability benefits”

“Ok. So you own the property. Do you have a mortgage?”

“No it was paid off when my Dad died”

“When was that”

“1996”

“Right so the own the house and there are no other mortgages or charges over it”

“Yes, that’s pretty much it”

“Right the mortgage was paid off in 1996. Do you know how much the house worth now?”

“I haven't thought about it. But the house across the road is for sale at £150,000 and its similar to ours”

And they went on from there - more interested in my Mum’s house than in my inept lifestyle and spending habits or even my income and ability to pay repayments

To do a full quote they would have to have my full details but from what I had said virtually all of them said they could certainly lend me around £15,000 to sort me out probably more if I could give them some more personal information so they could do a credit check.

“Would you like to take my name so that you can call me back?”

“Well yes. You’ve been really helpful. I was so worried and now I can see a away of moving forward. Thank you so much".

So there you go …

The key results of my research are that there are at least five loan companies advertising nationally across the UK that have absolutely no compunction (in principal) to kicking some elderly disabled woman out on the street because her fuckwitt son has re-mortgaged the family jewels to spend thousands visiting some Eastern European prozzie.

I would say that that is pretty class.

2006-02-22T12:00:00.000-08:00

Hey buddy lend me a crime

Been drinking again today and debating the pointlessness of the debt and credit companies has prompted me to pick a new target for my time wasting activities.

Loan and credit companies

These businesses are truly evil … don‘t you think? And from their advertisements they clearly set out to target people who are … well … complete fucking idiots really.

As I said I have been at home drunk for a week or so and there have been two TV adverts (amongst many) that have grabbed my attention. Both businesses seem to be absolutely ideal for my purposes.

Obviously only the names have been changed to protect the guilty.

Anyway …

Daytime TV is generally pitched at students, lonely housewives, and people on social security and this seems to be why that shit-fest of mediocrity that is “This Morning” is punctuated with adverts aimed at fuckwitts that seem to have exhausted every existing line of credit and yet still need to be so comprehensively, massively and hopelessly in need of more credit that they will try anything (ie. pick up the phone) to get even more.

The adverts are great.

I love the one in which the husband and wife - note its always the wife who has the good idea to call “totalfuckwittsindebt.com” or some other service aimed at the criminally inept - sit there and throw their hands up in the air in desperation and cry “We’ve got more going out than we have coming in” before realising that the answer to their catastrophic debt problems is … well … another loan from a lender even less choosy than the original one (were that indeed possible).

Now call me old fashioned but when did it get to be a good business model to actually WANT as your customers people are so fucking clueless that they cannot pay off the debts that they have let alone buy food [actually its probably about 5 years ago to be precise]. In my day banks were clambering over themselves to tell these people to “fuck off” as part of their credit-risk function before you lost your shirt on them. But today these are the new white-knights of the credit industry - so badly in debt that they will do anything, sign anything, pledge anything to get out.

That’s the first ad.

I also like the other one with the childlike guy who likes talking to his loan company because they speak “his language” (ie. football, beer and probably pies looking at the fat moon-faced twat) whilst ignoring the fact that these people pretending to speak his language won’t be when they are repossessing his house and forcing his wife into street prostitution when he misses the next payment.

“Sorry, mate. Really sorry but its our house now so why don’t you fuck off down the pub. Your missus can stay here for a bit though coz she‘s promised to give me a blowjob for twenty-quid. She’ll need a strong drink afterwards. Cheers mate. By the way didn‘t Arsenal do well on Saturday. Fucking brilliant!”

The point to all of this rambling ...

Before we proceed to the next level lets strip back the illusion and cut to the chase … this is all about getting other peoples houses on the cheap when they can’t pay you back. If the UK property boom had not meant that these hapless yet well meaning people were not sitting on millions upon millions of unrealised assets they would still be being told to “Fuck off” by everyone. This is not a social service for the confused and inept, its an asset grab on the dim witted who have made a few quid by living in their houses for the last couple of years.

Anyway … the point of this bullshit

These businesses actually advertise the fact that they want (prefer?) total fucking morons for clients, so I drunkenly thought that this was sort of a challenge really. But these people are indiscriminate, so how vulnerable to you have to be to a good loan proposition.

Well over the next week lets just see.

2006-02-17T11:39:00.000-08:00

Nihilism and the anticrapitalist mandate.

People are asking me why I like to waste peoples time in pointless [and yet hopefully amusing] ways rather than to use my energy constructively?

Well Hunter S Thompson provided the ultimate definition of what democracy is in just eight simple words:

“Politics is the art of controlling your environment,”

Ain’t that true. Make them believe that they have a democracy and miraculously that’s just what they get. And when that happens it leaves you free to just about anything you want, without either reproach or scrutiny.

In the modern world, fed by big corporations and 24-hour digital media it could equally be extended to the phrase “Wealth, success and survival in the 21st Century is the art of controlling everyone else’s environment”

My point?

There is more money circulating on this planet now than at any time in history, technology is all pervading, the media is said to be largely free, and state control is said to be more relaxed than at any previous point in time. So why aren’t we any more free? Indeed why are our lives now more controlled, more modelled, and more contrived than at any time in history?

Because between the top layer of our society - the George W Bush’s, Dick Cheney’s, and Tony Blair’s of this world; the people and the agencies now pursuing their warped grandiose objectives, creating the big money, acting virtually unfettered and safe in the knowledge that we understand so little about democracy that they are safe - there is a middle layer made up of millions upon millions of taxpayer funded arseholes running on pointless agencies, functions, and services to delude us into thinking we are empowered.

Tens of thousands of councils, and authorities; huge government bodies, and even bigger national and supranational organisations all providing the smokescreen of democratic empowerment.

Protest about the war in Iraq and the Government will pat you on the head and listen to you sympathetically as it is your “democratic right“ - but park your car in a red zone, refuse to pay your taxes, or even smoke in the wrong place and you will be arrested and charged. These small rules with big penalties are there merely to put you off transgressing the big ones like asking who is running what, and why are these people not accountable to whoever voted them in.

And all these agencies need is your tax money to control you … and if you don’t give that willingly then they have the power to take you out of society so you can‘t vote.

Anyway ….

My point is that nihilism is a coping strategy because if you let this army of ill-intentioned freeloaders affect your life … they will. If you let them believe that they have control over you … then they have. If you let them feed off you … then they will.

The mantra should be:

“Empowerment is the art of controlling your environment,”

For more bullshit visit:

http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1403395640/104-3952199-8291161?n=283155

2006-02-15T12:35:00.000-08:00

Inventive ways to waste other peoples time.

Since Christmas - festival of shit - I have decided to spend a considerable amount of my waking time drunk. I like being pissed because it makes me numb to the shit that surrounds me. I feel insulated from the crap that clutters my existence. Immune from the bullshit that is now so common place in everyday life that I don’t even notice it anymore. I’m a happy drunk. Being pissed stops me from punching people that live in a separate reality to me, it stops me strangling arseholes, it keeps me sane.

Don’t you fucking hate double glazing salesmen?

If society has a bottom rung then that is it, selling fucking windows to morons who seem to be genetically programmed to say “Yes, I’m a total fucking idiot. Please come around to my house and waste 10 hours of my time before getting me to give you twelve grand for windows knocked up by armies of Albanian’s in Morecambe for 50p each”.

Sell windows. I’d rather sell my arse ……

Anyway.

Pissed at home and some bastard calls me out of the blue about fucking UPVC windows; Am I interested.

Frankly no ….

UPVC windows hold no interest to me at all. I know nothing about them. I want to know nothing about them. I want to know nobody who knows anything about them. I don’t care.

However …. half a bottle of Shiraz seemed to have implanted me with some sort of empathy with a guy who falls into the latter category. He knew a lot about UPVC windows. And I mean a lot!

Was I worried about rising electricity prices; well yes!

Was I worried about burglaries in my area; well yes!

Did my windows need painting; well yes!

Did I want to save on my heating; well yes!

Was I in tomorrow morning; well yes! (fuck! That was the empathy kicking in)

Anyway

To cut a long story short after I had got a bit too carried away I could not back out. But I had a whole evening to get the bastard back!

Next morning got up and picked out the gayest clothes I could find. Purple roll-neck jumper, beige chinos, suede shoes.

Had breakfast. Opened a nice bottle of Chardonnay I had in the fridge.

Eleven thirty comes. Bit pissed.

See some shitty white Vauxhall Astra park on my drive. Guy in a Top Shop suit gets out with a clipboard under his arm. Looks like a bouncer who takes on a slightly less aggressive role in daylight hours.

As he came down the drive I went to the kitchen and poured half a glass of water into my crotch and watched as a big pseudo piss-stain took hold. That will do nicely.

“Bing, bong”

Answer the door with a flushed expression on my face, rubbing piss-stain and talking in very effected pseudo gay accent.

“Ohhhh. Hi. Do come in Gary, I’ve been dying to meet you”

They say first impressions last, and an overly affected pissed bloke in a purple jumper and recently piss-stained trousers seemed to do it for him.

I shut the door firmly behind him.

And so went two and a half hours of his life. Have you ever seen the “Uncle Monty” figure in Withnail & I. That’s what he got.

I could see that he looked uncomfortable from the off, and as matters progressed I could see him anxiously looking towards the door. Particularly when I tittered and touched his knee when he asked me (stupidly) if I ever got a draft through my back entrance as it seemed to be in a poor state of repair (Oh! Too right Gary!)

I offered him a glass of wine and in the end he had to accept. I feigned interest in the interest free credit deal and offered him another. It was a male bonding point. We were both about to sign a contract so lets have another manly drink, like men do!

He accepted.

In the end I ran out of ideas. Backed out of the deal and in desperation to get rid of him made a clumsy drunken pass at him.

He left in a hurry.

As he reversed off my drive I called the police and gave them the number of that shitty white Astra - the one with “Fat wanker windows“ written on the side you can‘t miss it. If they found him he would have been borderline on a breath-test. I hope he passed.

Here endeth the lesson Gary. Don’t waste my fucking time; and I won’t waste yours.

I have many inventive ways of wasting other peoples time.

2005-12-09T10:49:00.000-08:00

Christmas is the festival of shit

Most of us live our day to day lives purely supported by incomes generated by our capacity to sell shit, buy shit, exchange shit, produce shit, distribute shit ... and ultimately talk shit. If we had to sell things of value - things that people either needed or wanted - 50% of the Western world would be totally unemployed.

Our lives and our incomes are now inextricably linked to shit.

And December is the season of shit; the time of the year when the advertising scum that skulk in the shadows goes into overdrive making you feel bad if you don’t buy shit from one group of people to give to another group of people. We are in the midst of that great shit ponzi scheme that starts in late November every year, and each year if we want to keep our jobs we just have to suck more and more people into schemes to buy more and more shit.

Shit games
Shit toys
Shit books
Shit clothes
Shit cards

Online shit
Offline shit

High Street shit
Supermarket shit
Local shit
Foreign shit

Shitty plastic trees
& shittier decorations

It all surrounds us, its all different, but its still all shit!

2005-10-18T10:33:00.000-07:00

I saw a chapel all of Gold

I witnessed the death of consumer society today; heard the death rattle of a system finally sucumbing to its own inbuilt falability. Felt the iron grip it has on my life weaken to a feeble and ghostly presence around me. Just the fetid stench of its decaying flesh remains – whilst its Ka swims in history’s gutter with its kindred spirit democracy; dearly departed just a few short years ago.

In time I will become a rubber-necker; overwhelmed by the need to slow down and survey its yellowing, bloated corpse. To watch the foul fluids seap from its lifeless shell. To gouge its eyes with a stick to make sure its not coming back.

But not today. Today my role in life changed. I accept I am no longer here to consume. To earn you profits. To be judged by the crap that surrounds me. To pollute. To deal with the rubbish that society generates. I am no longer interested in your lies; the flawed dreams you sell.

I sell my stocks, call my bank, pay off my debts; and just wait. I don’t care if I wait for one month, six months, a year. Five even. I am right, you are wrong. I saw your death today … millions will mourn your passing.

I wake

I hate the weekends. Too much time to think.

Back to work.

Back to the crap. Back to the excruciating pointlessness of modern life

2005-10-13T13:13:00.000-07:00

A sheep in wolves’ clothing

Crap decends on you from all levels - they mail it to you, spam it to you, phone it through to you, and in your immediate working environment certain people hand it out directly to you.

Most people work with assholes; violence is a coping strategy.

I work with a guy - for the sake of anonymity lets call him ‘MBA Asshole’. In any free market based democracy people like MBA Asshole are propelled skywards under the sheer weight of the bullshit that they generate. You can reach stratospheric heights if the pile of crap you generate makes you tall enough. It’s a known fact where I work - the more everyone else is immersed in his bullshit, the less likely they are to spot that MBA Asshole is … well an asshole, basically.

MBA Asshole talks a foreign language that nobody else understands; generates shit, wastes my time, packages lies, creates inertia.

Lunch - only two pints today.

Get back to the office to attend meeting MBA Asshole has called to discuss sales targets. Ten people, no agenda, lots of accusations, MBA Asshole standing in front of ‘flip-chart’ with laser pointer in hand.

MBA Asshole, who is responsible for sales targets, is behind target. He has to get us to work harder so he can earn bonus, so he can be recognized as an even bigger asshole than he is now.

Lots of shouting - takes an MBA to shout that loud about things that don’t matter, to people that don‘t care.

I’m asked to present. I walk to ‘flip-chart‘ say nothing. Fumble with laser pointer. Say nothing again. Press button. Accidentally laser MBA Asshole in the eye. Mutter apology. Shrug. Sit down. Still say nothing.

The power of silence. You should try it.

MBA Asshole gets angry. Berates me in front of co-workers. Says I’m lazy - can’t even manage to present without causing injury. Still seeing stars before his eyes. Sweats angrily.

Meeting continues. Nothing achieved. This is yet another attempt to waste my time telling me things I don’t care about.

After meeting stuck in lift with MBA Asshole. Gets aggressive about the laser incident. Shouts wildly. Says I‘m scum. He‘s going to get me - I should resign.

Two floors to go.

MBA Asshole still mad, sticks face in front of mine. Warns me again to be careful. I don’t want enemies like him (apparently).

One floor to go.

MBA Asshole on the floor holding his nose. Blood seeps between his fingers. Crushed tie. Looks up confused.

‘You head butted me’ he shouts.

‘Me?’

‘Yeah you, you bastard .. You head butted me’

‘You banged your head on the wall’ I reply calmly. ‘You want to be careful. Must’ve been the damage to your eyes caused by the laser. You should see a Doctor’

Door opens. I walk out.

MBA Asshole stays in lift. Presses button for the top floor. Hides in corner as the doors slide shut.

First lesson of the day - if nobody witnessed it, it didn’t happen. Second lesson of the day - never be a sheep in wolves’ clothing.

Violence works. I thought you were supposed to mellow as you got older.

Wish I had an MBA.

I wouldn’t be working for this shitty company.

2005-10-12T12:12:00.000-07:00

Acquired Tourettes Syndrome

Hatred in this crap generating world intensifies. Opened door today. Only bills. Just crap I have to read. Time wasted writing cheques I don’t want to write, calling people I don’t want to speak to (and who don’t want to speak to me) about things I don‘t care about. I am a source of someone else’s income. That is my role in life. Corporate parasites latch on to me.

Lunch - three pints and a JD and Coke.

A thought occurs to me after pint number two; this crap generating world I live in hates confrontation. It loves to dish out crap but hates to receive crap. It can’t justify why it throws crap at me, why it wastes my time, so at the slightest whiff of protest it clams up, drops the phone line, offers me internet offers. ‘Speak with our call centre ….’

I swore at a call centre operator once. Not at him, but at his role in life. Nothing bad just said ‘shit’ about his employers policy on some crap or other. Saying shit wastes less time than being bothered to argue about things that don’t matter. In that context saying shit seemed to be fairer to him and me; he couldn’t be bothered justifying his employers theft of money from me, and I couldn’t be bothered blaming him for having to pay his mortgage justifying his employers lack of ethics. Shit is quick. It saves debate, saves time, reduces the crap in my life.

Anyway, pint number two and I’m reading a newspaper article about disability law. Disabled people have rights. Employers and businesses now have to cater for your disability - its all about treating people fairly and you can complain if they’re not .

Then I hit upon a way to waste someone else’s time instead of writing my cheques. Speaking to people about things I don’t care about. A way of giving crap rather than receiving crap - in that moment I developed ‘Acquired Tourettes Syndrome’

Finished lunch. Returned to work. Called my bank and asked about insurance. Non specific. Just ‘insurance‘.

Click, click, holding message ‘Your call is very important to us ….’

Call centre guy answers. Sounds Welsh. Could be Indian. I’m a consumer not a language expert. If I cared I’d ask. I don’t (care).

I begin to explain that I need to insure my house subtly announcing ‘Piss, shit, bollocks’ half way through my opening sentence. I try to then proceed to explain my exact requirements.

‘I’m sorry sir’ call centre guy interjects, ‘but we’re not paid to take that sort of abuse. If you swear at me again I’m afraid I will have to hang up’

I was right, this crap generating world I live in hates confrontation.

I ask if the bank he works for has a disability policy.

‘Yes sir’ he replies.

I calmly explain my condition ending with a rather loud ‘Piss, shit, bollocks’ just to emphasise the tragedy of my condition. ‘So you see. I have this terrible condition which means that I’m not being rude to you … under your disability policy if you refuse to handle my call I will be forced to make a complaint. Could I please have your name? Nothing personal but I’m sick of being victimized, you people have no idea ’

Call centre guy changes his attitude.

Spent fifteen minutes getting insurance for I house I don’t even own. Said ‘Piss, shit, bollocks’ at least twenty times. Could almost feel him wince over the phone line. It was funny twice. After that I felt sad that call centre guy had to take this abuse because he had a mortgage, an employer that would fire him if more than two customers complained that he was unhelpful, and a target to sell insurance that nobody wanted. If you give crap, you have to be able to take crap.

My time is free. This is three hundred and sixty degree feedback.

2005-10-11T12:35:00.000-07:00

Celebrity Duck-shoot (boredom sets in)

Other people make a point of annoying me with pointless trivia. Filling my life with their crap. Feeding off me for their exclusive benefit. So today I decided to call a production company and reciprocate. To waste the time of others.

I wanted to make a quick buck. Everyone is doing it. Selling reality show formats. Making money doing nothing. Selling tat. Turning tracksuit wearing scum into tabloid icons. Turning minor celebrities into slightly less minor celebrities.

I owe it to my kids to try this fast-buck opportunity. All my income comes from sources that are too legitimate. Its simply too much effort.

And so began ‘Celebrity Duck-shoot’

I called through to the production company headquarters and spoke to a bored secretary. I deliberately called at three o’clock guessing that whoever was in charge of new ideas had probably just returned from lunch pissed, and might take the call. He did, and he sounded like he was.

It is hard to pitch an idea on the phone so I asked him to sit back and visualise. Just imagine I said. Imagine a conveyor belt stuffed with celebrities. A narrow electronic production line crammed with the sort of jet set ‘Shiteratti’ that fill the pages of Hello magazine. All fixed to the conveyor by ankle straps, and all wearing realistic mallard beaks in wipe free orange plastic.

Imagine too, in front of them a handful of contestants wearing burberry plus-fours and NYC hats - each armed with a shot gun - but with only two cartridges.

Their quest?

Not just to shoot at the celebrities - that would be pointless. The goal would be to award more points to the person who bags the biggest celebrity. Like big game hunting. The Z-listers couldn’t resist this could they? Imagine them all waving at the start and shouting things to prove that they were more important than their co duck. ‘Pick me, I did four series of celebrity flatulence farm, and that bloody Alex Best at the front only did one!’ they‘d shout. ’Pick me, pick me’. They couldn’t stop themselves. Imagine too the pride of the guy who realises, momentarily before he collapses in searing pain from a chest shot, that he was deemed to be more famous than Chris Tarrant, Keith Chegwin, or Patsy Kensit. Bang, bang, you’re dead famous.

Its pure genius I assured him; but I wouldn’t put any money on Kerry Katona being worried.

To be fair he didn’t like the idea and thought I was joking. I was not.

I hate the TV industry.

I must stop drinking at lunchtime.

2005-10-10T16:25:00.000-07:00

It only costs 25 quid to sell your soul

The crap in my life continues; I am a crap magnet.

On holiday last month - missed sending off a cheque to my credit card company by one day. Statement arrived today - twenty-five quid plus penalty interest, plus they got the cheque anyway a day late and cashed it. I add this robbery to all the other attempts at invading my pocket this month.

People are dying in Iraq in the name of democracy. This commoditized democracy will surely mean that in ten years from now some American bank gets the right to charge each and every one of them twenty five dollars for paying their debts a few hours late. I cry.

I called the call centre just because I was bored and guessed that the operators were bored to. Bored of taking calls from pissed off customers that their company had stolen money from. Bored of their crap pay, bored of their robotic lives. Battery hens crap where they stand, its rare to be forced to stand where somebody else craps for money.

It only costs twenty-five quid to sell your soul.

I wonder where the call centre guy is based. The accent is non-specific and geography means nothing to me anymore. It could be Birmingham, it could be Bangalore. I ask myself if I care as I force him to explain, again, why they have charged me twenty-five quid and why they can’t rescind it.

I don’t (care).

There could be a civil war happening outside his electronic fortress; a bloody coup d’etat. History could be changing at the very perimeter of his carpark. And yet I still force him to explain to me, three times, why I have to pay the fee when they have already banked the money I owed. We are not writing history anymore, we are wasting peoples time, creating crap, franchising fraud.

I wasted twenty minutes of my life talking to call centre guy, and I guess I wasted twenty minutes of his life too. That’s forty minutes of wasted effort. If I cared I could have asked him how he was, learned something about his culture, understood his geography, and religious beliefs. But twenty-five quid is twenty-five quid and that‘s all it takes to sell your soul.

2005-10-10T11:51:00.000-07:00

I've snapped today and decided that I have too much crap in my life. To takes just too much effort to just get through the day. I am expending too much time dealing with idiots, stopping companies stealing off me, worrying if I could save 5p by switching my gas or water supplier. Its the grinding pathetic minutae of life that has finally got to me!

Gone are those big serious concepts that used to piss me off - I'm no longer concerned about starving children, I have no fears about global warming, I am de-sensitized by the daily death and carnage in I see in foreign climes on CNN. Democracy is an abstract concept that I no longer even recognise. We all lie, we all steal, and those that don't are stupid or lazy.

But these concepts are too big for me to feel angry about anymore, because its life's pathetic little nuances that have pushed me over the edge - the blinding, crushing, irritating minutae of 21st Century existence has finally turned me angry and selfish.

As Norman Mailer once put it in An American Dream - today 'I could feel all that is good in me going away, going away perhaps forever .... my courage, my wit, ambition and hope. Nothing but sickness and dung remained in the sack of my torso'

Now its only the sickness and dung that I am left with too - the crap of a generation that has sucked the lifeblood from me follows me from room to room. Intellectual detritus follows me at every turn. Society goads me. Sells me false hope, fills my time, emptiess my wallet, pisses on my shoes. I am judged not be myself but the crap around me, and its the crap around me that now overwhelms.

I want to teach my kids to grow up and be honest with themselves, be productive happy people - I say work hard, study. It will have its rewards. But I know this is wrong. High ideals are just baggage in todays society. What I should tell my teenage daughter - drop out of school, celebrate your ignorance, act like a vacant slut on some reality show and you'll never have a mortgage. Sell out, give up, and if you're lucky you'll never have to work again. Because the alternative is 20 years of hope, crap, and frustration and the system will get you in the end. I'm not yet 40 yet my values are old. I have failed to equip my children to succeed in the 21st Century.

Here endeth the first lesson ...