Acquired Tourettes Syndrome


Hatred in this crap generating world intensifies. Opened door today. Only bills. Just crap I have to read. Time wasted writing cheques I don’t want to write, calling people I don’t want to speak to (and who don’t want to speak to me) about things I don‘t care about. I am a source of someone else’s income. That is my role in life. Corporate parasites latch on to me.

Lunch - three pints and a JD and Coke.

A thought occurs to me after pint number two; this crap generating world I live in hates confrontation. It loves to dish out crap but hates to receive crap. It can’t justify why it throws crap at me, why it wastes my time, so at the slightest whiff of protest it clams up, drops the phone line, offers me internet offers. ‘Speak with our call centre ….’

I swore at a call centre operator once. Not at him, but at his role in life. Nothing bad just said ‘shit’ about his employers policy on some crap or other. Saying shit wastes less time than being bothered to argue about things that don’t matter. In that context saying shit seemed to be fairer to him and me; he couldn’t be bothered justifying his employers theft of money from me, and I couldn’t be bothered blaming him for having to pay his mortgage justifying his employers lack of ethics. Shit is quick. It saves debate, saves time, reduces the crap in my life.

Anyway, pint number two and I’m reading a newspaper article about disability law. Disabled people have rights. Employers and businesses now have to cater for your disability - its all about treating people fairly and you can complain if they’re not .

Then I hit upon a way to waste someone else’s time instead of writing my cheques. Speaking to people about things I don’t care about. A way of giving crap rather than receiving crap - in that moment I developed ‘Acquired Tourettes Syndrome’

Finished lunch. Returned to work. Called my bank and asked about insurance. Non specific. Just ‘insurance‘.

Click, click, holding message ‘Your call is very important to us ….’

Call centre guy answers. Sounds Welsh. Could be Indian. I’m a consumer not a language expert. If I cared I’d ask. I don’t (care).

I begin to explain that I need to insure my house subtly announcing ‘Piss, shit, bollocks’ half way through my opening sentence. I try to then proceed to explain my exact requirements.

‘I’m sorry sir’ call centre guy interjects, ‘but we’re not paid to take that sort of abuse. If you swear at me again I’m afraid I will have to hang up’

I was right, this crap generating world I live in hates confrontation.

I ask if the bank he works for has a disability policy.

‘Yes sir’ he replies.

I calmly explain my condition ending with a rather loud ‘Piss, shit, bollocks’ just to emphasise the tragedy of my condition. ‘So you see. I have this terrible condition which means that I’m not being rude to you … under your disability policy if you refuse to handle my call I will be forced to make a complaint. Could I please have your name? Nothing personal but I’m sick of being victimized, you people have no idea ’

Call centre guy changes his attitude.

Spent fifteen minutes getting insurance for I house I don’t even own. Said ‘Piss, shit, bollocks’ at least twenty times. Could almost feel him wince over the phone line. It was funny twice. After that I felt sad that call centre guy had to take this abuse because he had a mortgage, an employer that would fire him if more than two customers complained that he was unhelpful, and a target to sell insurance that nobody wanted. If you give crap, you have to be able to take crap.

My time is free. This is three hundred and sixty degree feedback.