A sheep in wolves’ clothing

Crap decends on you from all levels - they mail it to you, spam it to you, phone it through to you, and in your immediate working environment certain people hand it out directly to you.

Most people work with assholes; violence is a coping strategy.

I work with a guy - for the sake of anonymity lets call him ‘MBA Asshole’. In any free market based democracy people like MBA Asshole are propelled skywards under the sheer weight of the bullshit that they generate. You can reach stratospheric heights if the pile of crap you generate makes you tall enough. It’s a known fact where I work - the more everyone else is immersed in his bullshit, the less likely they are to spot that MBA Asshole is … well an asshole, basically.

MBA Asshole talks a foreign language that nobody else understands; generates shit, wastes my time, packages lies, creates inertia.

Lunch - only two pints today.

Get back to the office to attend meeting MBA Asshole has called to discuss sales targets. Ten people, no agenda, lots of accusations, MBA Asshole standing in front of ‘flip-chart’ with laser pointer in hand.

MBA Asshole, who is responsible for sales targets, is behind target. He has to get us to work harder so he can earn bonus, so he can be recognized as an even bigger asshole than he is now.

Lots of shouting - takes an MBA to shout that loud about things that don’t matter, to people that don‘t care.

I’m asked to present. I walk to ‘flip-chart‘ say nothing. Fumble with laser pointer. Say nothing again. Press button. Accidentally laser MBA Asshole in the eye. Mutter apology. Shrug. Sit down. Still say nothing.

The power of silence. You should try it.

MBA Asshole gets angry. Berates me in front of co-workers. Says I’m lazy - can’t even manage to present without causing injury. Still seeing stars before his eyes. Sweats angrily.

Meeting continues. Nothing achieved. This is yet another attempt to waste my time telling me things I don’t care about.

After meeting stuck in lift with MBA Asshole. Gets aggressive about the laser incident. Shouts wildly. Says I‘m scum. He‘s going to get me - I should resign.

Two floors to go.

MBA Asshole still mad, sticks face in front of mine. Warns me again to be careful. I don’t want enemies like him (apparently).

One floor to go.

MBA Asshole on the floor holding his nose. Blood seeps between his fingers. Crushed tie. Looks up confused.

‘You head butted me’ he shouts.

‘Me?’

‘Yeah you, you bastard .. You head butted me’

‘You banged your head on the wall’ I reply calmly. ‘You want to be careful. Must’ve been the damage to your eyes caused by the laser. You should see a Doctor’

Door opens. I walk out.

MBA Asshole stays in lift. Presses button for the top floor. Hides in corner as the doors slide shut.

First lesson of the day - if nobody witnessed it, it didn’t happen. Second lesson of the day - never be a sheep in wolves’ clothing.

Violence works. I thought you were supposed to mellow as you got older.

Wish I had an MBA.

I wouldn’t be working for this shitty company.