Don't try this at home kids (it ain't worth the effort)

I felt better yesterday than I have for a long time. I was having a tough week so took Friday off . I had my pastie, bought a paper, and popped into the pub for a quick pint. About midday on my way back up the road there was a whole squadron of blokes with blue macs on wandering up and down knocking on doors.

Jehovah’s Witnesses.

Fucking weird occupation. Selling religion door to door.

I normally go by the “live and let live” philosophy but these guys looked a bit aggressive for my tastes.

Anyway I managed to quietly get back to the house and opened a nice bottle of red just waiting for them to realise how long they would have knock on my door until they assumed nobody was there. But as I heard the knocks something clicked in my head and I made a really stupid decision to open the door. Still got no idea why.

Probably fucking bored. I had all afternoon to kill and only “Neighbours” for company.

Now I’m the most agnostic person going, but I have studied religion and I can have a 20 minute discussion on most subjects with anyone but as I opened the door I realised that I had done totally the wrong thing. What a fucking idiot.

Anyway

I’d never realised how fucking aggressive these bastards are - handing out their little booklets that tell you all about what a depraved empty life your living.

I took a real affront to their basic assumption that because I wasn‘t part of their church I was, de facto, evil and would automatically go to hell when I died.

To me there is no line between this and being Osama fucking Bin Laden and his useless NHS bombers.

I fucking hate religion. There is no need for it. You can believe in anything and that‘s entirely ok by me. But don‘t fucking well try to convert me. I don‘t care. I don‘t see myself 6 months from now wearing a Topshop suit and a blue mac sitting in somebody‘s house telling them they‘re a fucking deviant.

Anyway

Once you get these people in your house they’re on your turf and they at least have to pretend to be respectful, so after a while I drew them into the front room started to take the piss. They had to take it at face value as they were in my house. I started off quoting Descartes. I tried the old “I think therefore I am” argument claiming that effectively I am my own consciousness and therefore if I think that I am my own God then that is what I am, and that maybe they should really join a sect worshiping me as my conscious mind has convinced me that this is the case.

They looked slightly uncomfortable at that.

No bite though.

Then for some reason I tried to discuss whether animals can go to heaven. Its always a good one when you deal with these sort of muppets.

“I couldn’t possibly go to your gods heaven if it meant leaving my dog behind” I said.

“What?” they said.

“Well he’s my only friend. If your god does not let my dog into heaven then I don’t want to go to heaven”

Silence (followed by smiles).

Message to everyone out there. Did you know that the Mormon Church believes that animals will be found in heaven? Neither did fucking I? What a shitter. Apparently they believe in the “happiness of man, and of beasts, and of creeping things” and now I’ve given these bastards the perfect excuse to use the whole animal heaven idea on me to try to convert me.

Fuck.

God and animals normally gets rid of any religious nutter but not these buggers. They were cleverer than that.

I had to do a quick back track. Think of something totally off limits and hopefully they’ll eventually fuck off.

Well any religion, with no exception, hates queers. There is not one queer tolerating religion out there so its always a safe bet. Christians, Jews, Muslims, Mormons … the common theme is that they all hate queers. Heaven holds no place for uphill farmers, here endeth the lesson.

“Well that’s great news” I said “but I bet your God also hates gays, and I’m gay and so is my dog”

Now this did get them off guard.

“Your dog is gay?”

“Well he’s never married” I said

“ Well" they said “The church's law of chastity forbids gay and lesbian sex“

Apparently this is like pre marital sex which is grounds for excommunication (I did listen).

Phew

“Well you wouldn’t want to sign up anyone, or his dog, who would be excommunicated straight away would you?”

“Well ….”

“Well you wouldn’t would you. You can’t go back to Mormon HQ and say that the only people you signed up today were a gay man and his gay dog could you?”

“Well …”

Christ will these people ever take the fucking hint. FUCK OFF. I’m winding you up. Just get the fuck out of my house. Have you had a sense of humour bypass with your Mormon frontal lobotomy?

With that I went back to the philosophy stuff and started quoting Voltaire about dogs and cannons and about me being a thousand times freer than my dog is, and why would any proper religion want to appeal to dogs whose consciousness is limited and therefore he can‘t go to the same heaven as me as he lacks the capacity to imagine the same heaven that I do. Worse for a gay dog. And more particularly a gay dog with a gay owner who is firmly agnostic.

It was hard work.

I think after an hour I notionally won and they started making excuses to leave. But it was a real effort though. There is virtually nothing you can do or say to to turn these people off you or get them out of your house.

Be warned.

An easy day off and a quick wind up are not possible when the Jehovah’s are in town!

Next week maybe a visit from John Travolta and the fucking scientologists.