Welcome to the AC’s new years horrors list.

I’ve been thinking about arseholes the world could really do without for 2007, which has prompted me to write my very own new years horrors list of what I would like to see happen to certain people during 2007. The list is not exhaustive - if you think I've missed anyone off please feel free to leave a comment.

George W Bush - finally announces to the world that he’s a "total fuckwitt" and has “no fucking idea” how America gets out of Iraq.

Tony Blair - goes on one free holiday too many when a Mrs West of Gloucester invites the family over for a stay in her quaint English B & B.

The Queen - accidentally refers to Blair and Bush as “a pair of cunts” in a live broadcast from the opening of Parliament.

John Prescott - gets relieved of post as Deputy Prime Minister. New title is “Fat twat in charge of shagging”. Has £600 sign made for his office door and buys a new ministerial Jag.

Pete Doherty - gets done for possession of heroin, gets jailed, gets bummed in the showers, gets AIDS

Paris Hilton - makes a celebrity scat DVD in which she‘s seen sharing a bath full of shit with Lindsay Lohan. Makes $5m from syndication, and say‘s it was a “life changing experience“.

Lindsay Lohan - drinks bath full of shit mistaking it for Bailey’s. Disney re-makes Death Race 2000 with Herbie as the star, Lohan brutally killed in opening scene.

Heather Mills - what more can you wish on her that her husband and the rest of the world don't already. "Break a leg dear" hopefully the wrong fucking one you moonfaced Geordie shitbag.

David Cameron - changes name to David Cameroon and moves to football obsessed African state

Jade Goody - books into Harley Street to have 30 lbs of unsightly fat removed. Re-emerges without head. Takes 4 weeks to die.

Donald Rumsfeld - changes name by deed poll to Ronald Bumsfelt and moves to San Francisco

Britney Spears - gets kidnapped on Somalian peace mission, and subjected to female circumcision. Starts wearing knickers in public - publishes new biography entitled “My lips are sealed”

Wayne Rooney - loses all his money and opens a pie shop in Wigan. Coleen gives blowjobs to tramps to make ends meet.

David Beckham - gets caught shagging nanny (again) and blames Posh because she only ever likes it up the arse and he's not that sort of guy.

“Posh” Spice - looks in a mirror and sees her real self staring back at her.

Kerry Katona - the fat scouser gets bummed by huge frozen Iceland sausage as part of a game in Celebrity Reality Show. Signs up for next two series.

Carol Smillie - kills 10 prostitutes in a one-night orgy of violence. Gets off by winking at the judge.

Jessica Simpson - has sex-change to finally become the woman she always wanted to be.

Tom Cruise - opens a midget farm in Nevada but gets seriously injured falling off his shoes.

Michael Jackson - admits he looks “a bit odd” and releases a rap album under the name of "K-D Fiddler".

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad of Iran - gets voted in as President of America after shock impeachment. US voters quoted as saying he’s more trustworthy than Bush.

J K Rowling - releases “Harry Potter and the Philosophers horn” in the May edition of Hustler.

Madonna - adopts a whole African country and moves it to Scotland

Brad and Angelina - go one better than Madonna and adopt the whole Continent of Africa and move 40 million people into a garage in Beverley Hills.