Really shit things.

I hate crap and anyone who generates crap; basically because we are annoying the arse out of each other and wasting precious natural resources to make money selling crap that nobody wants or needs. In a hundred years from now we will have cut down every tree, used every drop of water, and burned every barrel of oil and all that we will have to show for it will be landfill sites full of the sort of shitty trinkets displayed below.

There are companies out there who spend hundreds of thousands of pounds buying and selling useless shit to the globally inept. They send you catalogues full or the stuff, bombard you with junk mail, deluge you with spam. For what? To sell you shit that you would never even of considered buying and which, more importantly, you will never ever use.

In fact if you’re a “good e-bayer” (ie. frequent mug) all you end up doing is re-selling the shit to people more stupid than you are. It’s like supermarket sweep for landfill; how many items can you get into your trolley before pouring them into a hole in the ground without even opening the packaging.

As a result I am compiling a shit list
of the crapest gadgets and implements mailed or spammed to me in recent
months.

I will also be supplementing this list with a few shit ideas of my own which I think are dead certs to make me my first million.

Product:

The George Forman USB Grill!
http://www.thinkgeek.com/stuff/looflirpa/igrill.shtml

Their description

The low-fat, high-bandwidth solution to your networked cooking needs is finally here [I kid you not]
Download recipes, enter in the type of food, weight and desired degree of doneness, and the iGrill handles the rest.

AC's description

Shite, shite, shite, shite, shite. Thought it was a joke. It was not.

Product:

The Chocolate Thong for Her
http://www.21stcentury.co.uk/gadgets/altgifts/chocolate_thong_for_her.asp

Their description:

If your other half has got a bit of a sweet tooth why not slip into this heart shaped Belgium chocolate thong which is guaranteed to satisfy both of your appetites!

AC's description

Mmmh; Belgian chocolates that taste of someone else’s shit - just what I’ve always wanted.

Product:

AM / FM hands free binoculars
http://www.sportbinox.com/

Their description:

Sportbinox are hands free binoculars that offer an optional am/fm radio to help follow the game, or just listen to relaxing music while enjoying nature. Bird watchers love them

AC's description:

What the FUCK. Anyone who buys these should be immediately arrested and locked up for their own good. “Look like Universal soldier whilst listening to a shit AM station and wanking under a dormitory window“.

Product:

Spider catcher
http://www.prezzybox.com/products/index.aspx?pid=3529&TID=900

Their description:

Tony Allen came up with the idea for the Spider Catcher after spending years chasing spiders with a hoover or rolled up newspaper for his young son who was terrified of them

AC's description:

Surely Tony must now look back at all those wasted years when he could have devoted his life to cocaine and hookers, but decided to devote his life to spider catching instead. And its TEN QUID.

Product:

Casino Carousel chips & card holder
http://www.alt-gifts.com/shop/shop/page/product/product_id/2986/assoc/afwindow/

Their description:

Why not introduce some of the glitz, glamour and high risks of a night out at the betting tables in Las Vegas with this great casino card and chip holder [it costs £7.49]

AC's description:

Impress your friends with a shit £7 piece of tat that makes them believe you are a professional gambler [are they insane!] PS: it annoys me that ANY materials at all have been used to make this.

Suggested “anticrapitalist” branded tat

Product:

The John Prescott’s ring-piece pencil sharpener

AC's description:

Elegantly sculptured in pink silicon, this realistic representation of the Deputy Prime Ministers sphincter is a real “dead ringer” of a gift. Insert your pencil and watch him miraculously “swivel” in front of your eyes.

AC's comments:

We envisage a sell out over the next couple of weeks. We already have a bulk order from a “Mr Brown” (no pun intended) in Scotland.

Product:

George W Bush incontinence pants

AC's description:

Made our of plastic refined from real Alaskan oil; at least next time the policy decisions of the worlds favourite statesman cause you to shit yourself your pants will be fully “protectorised”

AC's comments:

Coming to a Wal-mart near you soon, if you don‘t shit yourself listening to the Presidential address first.

Product:

“I’m to clever to be on Big Brother” T-shirts

AC's description:

Register your joy at not being the sort of retarded fuckwitt that seeks fame and fortune by being filmed arguing and shitting for 8 weeks.

AC's comments:

Not sold any in Essex yet, but we remain hopeful that they will take off. Available in size XXXXL if you have tit’s the size of basketballs.

Product:

Combined dildo, torch, drinks stirrer, FM transmitter and cigarette lighter.

AC's description:

Imagine there is a power cut and all you want to do is have a fag and listen to Chris Moyles whilst wanking and knocking up a Martini. Well now you can with this useful five in one device!

AC's comments:

There really is strong demand for such a multi use device.

Product:

The Mark Oaten Bumomatic

AC's description:

Imagine that you’ve had a hard day voting or such like, and all you need to do is relax and stop worrying about losing your hair. Well the bumomatic stimulates hair growth via a new and totally unproven massage and stimulation technique. Just insert the bumomatic and watch that hairline reappear.

AC's comments:

The technology is unproven BUT if not totally satisfied refunds are available via cheque stamped “bumomatic anal stimulator refund” in red ink. If you dare to cash it you can have your money back with pleasure.

Normal anger will be resumed as soon as possible ........